Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here. I guess I just haven't felt the need. Though, I really shouldn't let that stop me because I know I still need the release this writing gives me even if I'm not feeling the need for it.

Anyway...the last week and a half has been busy but fairly uneventful. I'm still going to the PPD Support Group every Tuesday evening though the meds are working very well - I actually feel normal again. Still working on learning how to take care of myself so that I can be a better, healthier Me and therefor a better Mom and Wife. Maybe this is all in my head but I still feel like Beau is holding me back in this endeavor. I want so very much to be all that I can be for him and the kids but he just doesn't seem to get that I need to do what's best for me first before I can take care of his needs. I mean, I'm all for taking care of my husbands needs but not at the cost of my own health. I know what you're thinking - by his "needs" you think I'm talking about sex. No, that's not it at all. I have, for the most part, no problems with enjoying my husband sexually. In fact, we have an incredibly awesome sex life - when we have time for it. But what I really mean by his "needs" are all the duties that are normally taken care of by a SAHM or "House Wife". I am neither, though, and we are in this marriage and this life together. As a partnership. But for some reason my husband seems to think it's all MY responsibility to do the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the children. He acts as if I'm putting him out if he actually has to spend a couple hours with the kids on the weekend by himself. So he stays home Mondays with the boys - that's his choice, it's not like that one day a week saves us any money on daycare. However just because he's chosen to spend one weekday a week with his sons and then work 4-10 hour days that doesn't give him the "free card" to not have to be a father the rest of the week. Again, maybe this is just all in my head and we just have some serious communication issues (well, we do have communication issues, no doubt about that), but then again, maybe it's not. I'm just telling it like I see it.

I got some good news the other day, my best friend Chelle is pregnant with baby #2. It's just absolutely amazing! It took her almost 2 years to conceive her 14 month old son Jacob but this time it's only been about 2 months now since she and her husband stopped using any birth control. I guess the Lord just thought she was ready for another one. Anyway, I just thought share her happy news. :0)

Monday, April 17, 2006

Time flies, work sucks, but I love my kids

Wow, how incredibly long the last 2 weeks have been. We are borrowing bunk beds from my sister and got those set up last weekend. As soon as Adam saw his "new" bed he got very excited and kept repeating, "I love it! I love it!" He was very proud to have his new "big boy bed" and so far has slept well in it for an entire week. We explained to him that the crib is now Noah's bed and he was perfectly OK with that. I was amazed. I seriously thought it was going to take us a week or two to transition him over (he really loved his crib) but it didn't! He switched right over with no problems and Noah did the same - he sleeps very well in the crib. He's asked a couple of times to lay down in the crib but all I have to do is show him Noah laying down in it and he says, "OK." and allows me to lay him in his new big bed. I'm so proud of my boys! What's even more amazing is that before moving him to the crib Noah refused to go to bed before 10pm. But now, all of a sudden, he's super fussy and ready for bed at 8:00pm. Not only that but I can lay him down wide awake and he will go to sleep ALL ON HIS OWN. Now, Adam has done this since he was 5 weeks old, silly boy wouldn't ever let me nurse him to sleep once he started that. But Noah...well, Noah's only done that a handful of times in his short 5 month life and now he's done it every night this week.

I am truly blessed.

Of course Michelle is beyond happy to finally have a normal bed - 8 years old and she's been in a toddler bed for the last 6+ years. When I told her the bunk beds were coming she was just beside herself with anticipation and then to get the top bunk to boot - that girl is on cloud 9! ;)

Oh, and I mustn't forget...this weekend marks 2 milestones for my youngest, Noah. 1) He is 5 months old on Sunday. 5 months old, wearing 12mo clothing and has been switched over to a convertible car seat because let's face it, a child who wears 12mo clothing is far too freaking heavy to carry around, one-handed, in a carrier carseat. 2) He slept COMPLETELY through the night last night. And I don't mean just 6 or 7 hours which is what most consider "through the night" - he's been doing that for like 3 months now. But I mean he slept 10.5 hours. Went to bed at 9pm and didn't wake up until 7:30am. Unfortunately for me, I didn't sleep all night. I kept waking up expecting to hear him fussing at any given moment. Figures. Imagine my surprise, though, to not hear a peep out of him until 7:30am!

Yes, I am indeed very blessed.

Aside from all the kid/mommy stuff, I have just been completely exhausted. Work has been not so fun and way too busy for my liking. So busy, in fact, that I haven't been able to even take the time to post on here. That sucks. See, 4 weeks ago this coming Monday one of my co-worker's went out on medical leave to have a hysterectomy. This surgery was the final step in her process to becoming completely cancer free. She had estrogen-receptive breast cancer - meaning it feeds off of the estrogen which is naturally produced by every healthy woman of child-bearing age who still has her ovaries. This meant that she could no longer allow her ovaries to work. She tried Tomoxafen, which would have been a 5 year regimen to shut down her ovaries and being the extremely petite thing that she is she experienced almost every freaking side effect known for this drug. This made life hell for her and she gave in very quickly after starting the drug to the idea of just having it all taken out. Far easier than remembering to take that dumb expensive pill every day for 5 years.

So anyway, she went out on medical leave and I was left to cover for her and do her job while she was out. No problem, I can do that. Two weeks later, she's at home, board out of her mind having read 4 books and watched all the TV she can handle and somehow she managed to get her doctor to sign the release for her to be able to work from home for her last 2 weeks of recovery. She got less than a week into it and realized that she is in fact NOT superwoman and her body really was not ready to be sitting up quite so much so soon after having some of her internal organs removed and she calls in sick for the last week of her 4 weeks *out* of the office. This wouldn't have been too terribly bad except for the fact that my boss decided to put me on another project after my lovely coworker got the OK from her doc to work from home. So, when she decided to call in sick for all of last week, guess who got to do all of her work again PLUS all of mine? Yup, that's right, it was ME. Me. Me. Me. Me. I'm tired. I can do her job. I can do my job. I just don't do so well having to juggle 2 full time jobs in a 40 hour period. I don't like it. It sucks.


Last Sunday was Easter. Easter means a great deal to me as it is celebrated as the day my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ rose from the grave and ascended to sit the right hand side of the Father. For almost a year now we have been without a church home. Three years ago, due to some extenuating circumstances, we left the first church I ever called home and was a member of and followed the pastor as he/we started a small church which met in members' homes. And then last June our pastor was accepted to law school in West Virginia and he and his family moved accross the country and that was the end of our "church". As much as we miss church and weekly praising the Lord with our brothers and sisters in Christ we haven't been too focused on finding a replacement because we know that our standards are quite high and what we're looking for (very conservative and 100% biblical - something most churches thes days are definitely NOT) is very very hard to come by. But, last weekend I promised my best friend, Chelle, that I would attend Easter service at her church - mostly because she was singing and I love her dearly. So, I left the 2yo monster, Adam, at home with Beau and took Michelle and Noah with me to "church". This church is unlike any other I had ever been to and not exactly anything I ever really want to go to again. Talk about catering to the young and "hip". Oy. Loud, rock "worship" music that repeats the same lyrics over and over again. A preacher who dresses in baggy khakis with worn out brown leather shoes, a sweater vest over his "dress shirt" with the shirt tales hanging out and the top button or two undone, a tan beaded necklace tight around his neck and blonde highlighted "surfer-dude" shaggy hair - the kind of hairdo that my 8yo nephew is trying to achieve. Only my sister won't let him get the highlights. And a sermon that didn't last more than 15 minutes - one in which not one actual bible verse was cited - complete with PowerPoint slide on 2 large screens for all in the congregation to see. It all made me very uneasy and I found it very hard to relax until I finally reminded myself of Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." and at that point I was able to sit peacefully through the rest of the service and just focus my thoughts on Christ and his teachings and all that he gave and suffered just so that I could have forgiveness for my many, many sins and everlasting life. It will be a long time before I ever go back there again, IF I ever do. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Chelle and Phil have a church home that they love and enjoy. It's just definitely not for me and my family. We much prefer the quiet conservative services of a Missionary Baptist church. Now if we can just find one that doesn't compromise on doctrine just to get people in the door and keep them in the pews.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

"Now is not a good time"

"Please come back tomorrow..."

That's what I hear when I walk up to someone's desk who already knew that I'm coming around, only needing 5 minutes of their time so that I can install a new version of a software program they use on a daily basis. But do they want it? Apparently not, they tell me "Now is just really not a good time, please come back tomorrow." So, I go back this morning as asked and guess what I hear again - "Can you come back later?" Puhlease! I mean, this is my job TODAY. I have today to finish these installs. Not tomorrow, not next week. My boss wants this done today. And seriously, is 5 minutes too much to ask for? Really? Freaking get up, go take a short walk around the building, go the bathroom, go get a cup of coffee, I don't care what you do just give me 5 whole freaking minutes!!!! Sheesh.

OK, I'm done ranting at stupid users. Sometimes the tech support world isn't that great. Really. I didn't seek out this profession, it found me. Strange to say, strange to think, really, since before I started here I knew extremely little about computers. But I got a call, I went for an interview and because I am able to pick things up quickly the rest is history. Five years of history to be exact. I'm tired of it, though. I'm tired of dealing with people who don't know what they're doing or even have any care in the world to know anything about it. I want to stay home with my kids. But that is a whole other ball of wax. Staying home with the kids would mean even more work if you can believe. And often more stress. But then - it may be more work through the day but would it last long into the evenings as it does now? I wonder. Would I be able to do all the chores during the day and be able to enjoy time with my family in the evenings? I don't have that luxury now unless I neglect the house - which freaks my husband out. Man just has to have a clean house - not that he gets that often. LOL It's too much work for me to keep up with. Working 40+ hours a week to bring home a paycheck and taking care of kids, house and husband in my "off time". Ha. What the heck IS off time anyway?

On my way to the PPD support group the other night I was thinking about what it was like before kids. That was soooo long ago! I was 20, almost 21 when I had my daughter. Life before kids was life before 20. Which really wasn't all that much life, you know? But I do remember, albeit vaguely, only having to worry about myself in the mornings before work, only having to worry about feeding myself in the evenings. If I didn't get enough sleep it's because I was doing something I wanted to do and I had no one but myself to blame. My weekends - I got to sleep in as long as I wanted. Stay up as late as I wanted. Do what I wanted. It was all about me. Will I ever have that again? Probably not. Would I trade my kids and what I have now to have that back? Some days I think yes, I would, but in all fairness and honesty the answer is a resounding NO. I love my kids. I love my husband. I don't love my ex-husband and believe I would have been far better off without having ever married him but what's done is done and the time spent with him definitely helped me to realize just what kind of person I don't want to be or be with.

And now that thought is gone. Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to sign off and get my butt back to work. Blech.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


Turns out group was good. I was the only mom there for the group I was supposed to go to but I ended up in the "after care support group" because they were the only ones there. It's all good, though, as it was just a really good experience. I was able to share what I've been going through, just how hectic my life is and how my husband has been mostly unsupportive through a lot of what I'm going through (though he wasn't opposed to me going to the group so that's good). I had few sympathetic ears and everyone was just really nice. We actually laughed and smiled and I am just so amazed at how easy it was to just open up to these strangers and share what I'm feeling and thinking. It was good. I came home feeling refreshed - something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm definitely going again next week and will for however long I feel the need. Maybe once I get through my own PPD I'll stay on to help others as well. I think that would be good. But, as I said, I must first get through my own rough patch here and learn to be a healthy person before I can even think about trying to help someone else.

The sun came out today

Well, the sun decided to come out and play a bit after all. As I look out the window here at work I actually see some blue sky and white fluffy clouds. A far cry different from what it looked like this morning. It's nice outside, I should appreciate it even though I am stuck inside sitting here at this computer. At least I can see outside. I've often been stuck in a cubicle where I had no idea if it was raining, snowing or hot as haities outside. That sucks, so I am glad I can see. I just wish my mood would change to match what it looks like outside. Bright and cheery.

I've got this long stinking report I need to finish but just can't bring myself to work on it for more than like 3 minutes at a time. It's sad, I haven't put in a full days work in weeks. I just can't get focused, my mind, my brain is elsewhere. But where? Who the heck knows!

Last night Noah slept very fitfully. He kept kicking his legs, waking himself up and then fussing. Drove us nuts all night long. I don't think I got more than an hour of solid sleep all night. Was up to stick the pacifier back in his mouth too many times to count. I finally gave in at 4:37am and brought him to bed and stuck him on the boob. That seemed to do the trick. He slept better after, though not solidly till after 6am but then Beau and I were up at 7am (after an hour of hitting the snooze button), rushing to get the day started and out the door. Then when I got to work this morning, got settled in, read some email then went to get my first cup of coffee I found NO ONE HAD MADE COFFEE. There is seriously something wrong when I go to get a cup at 9am and the pot's still clean and put away from the cleaning lady last night. I mean, it's not like the coffee they give us here is any good, it's a nasty brew - there's a REASON it's called Fried Nerve Endings - but it's still coffee and much needed caffiene after a restless night. So, I had to make it myself and wait. But at least I wasn't getting the last dregs from the pot which is what happens to me far too often. Why am I going on about coffee??? I don't know. My brain feels fried. My body feels limp and listless. I'm exhausted and I guess feeling like I need more coffee but don't really want any. I'm serious, this stuff is nasty, it tastes burnt. Like when they roast the beans they forget they're in the roaster and let them go over a long weekend. I don't want to work. I don't want to go home. I want to go be with my kids and enjoy them but I don't want all the work that goes with them - the cleaning and cooking dinner, the laundry, the night-time baths and bed-time routines. I'm just so tired.

Well, 45 minutes to go before I am officially "off" and I still need to go pump before I leave so I sign off for now. But I'll be back again in the morning to share my support group experience. I guess I'm the only PPD mom who'll be there, unless someone else shows up that wasn't expected. But that means I'll get some one-on-one time with the facilitator. That might be better to start out with anyway. I have a hard time talking in groups of people - more panic attacks.

Have a good day/evening...

Tuesday blahs

It's a dismal Tuesday morning. Clouds fill the sky and it's drizzling outside. Not yet raining, not even really sprinkling. Just drizzling. Kind of matches my mood today, I guess. I try to be happy, I love my kids, I love my husband, I don't mind my job so much - it pays a good portion of the bills, right? So why can't I be happy? I don't know.

Lately I've been getting these panic attacks - my chest tightens up, my heart starts racing and my mind just freaks out. There are a million things running through my head and I can't make sense of any of them. I know there are things that I seriously NEED to do. But for some reason I can't bring myself to do them. Every time I think about something important I need to do I feel a panic attack come on. What the heck is wrong with me??? And then all I want to do is quash that feeling and ignore what's causing it. I need help.

Tonight I'm going to a PPD support group hosted by the Baby Blues Connection. Not sure what to expect - I've never participated in any kind of support group aside from the message boards I participate in online. But those are different. Not the same as sitting in a room with a bunch of women who are going through both similar and different issues than I. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

This morning my husband sent me a picture of Noah that he took Sunday evening, it made me tear up. Sappy old mom, I know, but hey, how can a mom *not* get sappy when she sees such a beautiful picture of her little man?

Well, I guess this is it for now. Work calls and if I don't get it done who knows what'll happen. LOL Kinda short today - for me anyhow. I'm sure I'll be more lengthy tomorrow as I recap my experience at the PPD support group.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Just call me a newb

It seems like everyone I know has a blog so I figured, why not me, too? Honestly, I have no idea if I'll share this with anyone I really know as I'm hoping this to just be an outlet for all the craziness that goes on inside my post-partum head. And sometimes I feel like I'm just that - crazy. The things that go through my head I often don't want to voice out loud for fear of no one understanding. But maybe someone out there does? Who knows.

Today, I feel...melancholy for lack of a better word. Not really happy but not altogether unhappy, either. I've been dealing with some Post Partum Depression for about a month now. Many whom I speak with about it find it odd that it's hit me so long after my son Noah's birth (he's 4 and a half months old right now), but apparently they (my husband included) don't understand that it can hit at any time during baby's first year.

Even with all my knowledge and understanding of depression and how it works - I've been here before, after the birth of my daughter Michelle, who is now 8 - I still can't quite wrap my whole head around it. After the birth of my first son Adam, who is now 2, I felt wonderful. Sure, I had a few days, maybe a week or so, of those "Baby Blues" but that was it. My husband, Beau, and I were the happiest we'd ever been. Our marriage had never been better. Our family was complete - we had one beautiful daughter and one beautiful son.

But then when Adam was 15 months and I was only a week away from getting a tubal ligation (our family was complete, remember?) I got the call from the OB/GYN who was going to do the surgery telling me I was pregnant again. And my life fell apart. I didn't want another baby. WE didn't want another baby. But...not having the baby wasn't an option for me, either. I could never do that. My mom had an abortion when I was about 4 months old and to this day she still regrets it. Not for me, no thank you. We considered giving the baby up for adoption. We have some friends whom we love like family who may never be able to have children of their own (she has never carried to full term and he had testicular cancer a few years back). I prayed on it, I considered it. For 3 full weeks I thought about it and finally came to the realization that there was no way in the world I could give up MY baby. So, that was that. I was having another baby.

Didn't mean I really enjoyed it, though. To the contrary, I didn't enjoy much of my pregnancy at all and did suffer some anti-partum depression. It wasn't an easy pregnancy. Noah was (and still is) a big boy. He caused me a lot of pain and discomfort. I started having contractions at 29 weeks which continued on a daily basis for 11 weeks until I went in to labor (FINALLY!) and he was born on his due date weighing in at 10lbs 2.8oz and 22.5" long. Yeah, he's a big boy.

Now don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful little prince and I love him so dearly it hurts. I wouldn't trade my little man for anything in the world. But having 3 kids, some days it's more than I think I can handle. It's not really the 3 kids, if I'm going to be truly honest here, it's having 2 kids w/in 2 years. See, Adam is only 2 years and 6 days older than Noah. Most days I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I have no sanity left inside me and can't help but wonder how in the world am I going to make it through the day let alone the rest of my life? I work, full time outside the home, and full time inside the home. My only respite is the few minutes I get each night after the kids are in bed before I fall into bed completely exhausted from the day's work. It's really not that much, either, as Noah just does not like to go to sleep before 10pm. And I'm lucky when I can actually have him in bed before 10:30pm.

I should probably cut this "short" here. I say short because I could go on and on forever. If there's one thing I'm good at it's being long-winded. I'll leave you with this thought...if I find it so difficult with 3 - how in the world do people with more children than I handle the daily goings on???