I need energy. And time. Definitely need more time.

I am having the HARDEST time keeping my eyes open today!

I had a fabulous piece of cake at the Cheesecake Factory last night and now my sweets craving is totally curbed. I want no crap food. Not even close to craving it. I had my yogurt & berries this morning with a couple teaspoons of grapenuts mixed in and my 2 pieces of low carb toast with Smart Balance spread. I've got a spinach salad and some mini pitas & hummus for lunch. No idea what I'll do for dinner but possibly squash if the house isn't too hot to bake this evening.

Seriously, considering that AF should be showing up anytime between today and Thursday, I think that's pretty amazing. Though I have noticed over the past few months that my chocolate cravings come during PMS and then are gone by the time AF makes her appearance.

I need more time so I can find more energy. There just aren't enough hours in the day!!! I am tired but at the same time I have the desire to just get up and GO RUN (not that I can actually run...stupid body...). But I need to do SOMETHING, you know? And I know that by DOING I will find more energy. UGH. Why can't I be in this place ALL the time? And why can't I have the time and resources to do what I want/need to for my body??? I want to be fit. I don't care if I'm ever even a size 8 again. But I want to tone up my arms and I want to have at least a semi flat tummy. Not all the nasty bulge I have right now. I am NOT happy in a size 14. A 10 or 12 would be perfect...

Now, HOW do I find the time to create the energy???

I mean, I have a full time job where I sit on my ASS all day long. OK, my desk is cool and I can raise it and stand whenever I want but, again, the body doesn't like that. It screams. Literally. But, I do try to spend part of my work day standing. Ahhhh and I digress...

Anyway, I work. Full time. I'm up and out the door by 7:15am every morning. I rush out, drive to not the train stop nearest my home but the next one because parking is better at that one. Jump on a TriMet MAX train and walk into usually just about 3 minutes to 8am. I work all day and then back home and walking in the house usually around 6pm.

Once I'm home I am inundated in children screaming:

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
"Can I have ____?"
"Will you get me ____?"
"I want ____!!!!"

This I must deal with all while trying to say hello to and spend a few quality minutes with my husband (whom the children have been stuck at home with) before heading to the kitchen to try to figure out what to cook next that my children are only going to turn their noses up at.

Then comes the prep/cooking part of the evening that includes somehow managing to keep the children OUT of the kitchen. Ha! Yeah, right...my kids, stay out of the kitchen? Never! And, of course, this entire time they are yelling at me that they are HUNGRY. Then, as soon as dinner is finished and served guess what they do! You got it! They turn their noses up and say, "I'm not hungry!"

HUH? Really? You're not hungry? Are you sure about this? Because, I'm quite certain I just heard you say you were STARVING like 10 minutes ago.

Yes, this is a scene played out in my home on a nightly basis. It never ends. I swear. After dinner it's snuggle time, books and bed. Of course now that it's getting darker much later they're going to bed later, too. And so this means that anything *Mom* wants to do w/out children under foot has to happen later as well.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I have no life of my own. My life belongs to my employer and my children. Mommy works 24/7 whether she stays home or works for someone else. There never is a quiet moment. Even when the kids are in bed. Oh, how I wish I were kidding...

BEST. Present. EVER.

Today is my birthday. Big whoop, right? Yeah, I'm 32 years old today. Woo. OK, so until this birthday I have dreaded the birthday. Every year. I don't know why. I've always insisted that there is nothing wrong with "getting old" and I get upset with my husband for being self deprecating regarding his age. He claims he's old as dirt and often teases me for being "young". He loves me, though. Not like he had a choice! Ha! The good Lord took care of that for us. ;)

So, anyway, it's my birthday. And all weekend I was really dreading it. Not because of the whole "birthday" thing because, again, I'm finally cool with it. But because my husband's awesome grandmother passed away early Friday morning at the ripe wonderful age of 96. Mammo was fabulous woman and we shall dearly miss her. Well, her service is this afternoon at 2:30. It's just a "viewing" but obviously, these things are never just viewings. Friends and family will be there to remember her. I've really had a hard time this weekend keeping that one little work in focus: REMEMBER. We are not mourning her death, we are remembering her life. It just kind of sucks that it's happening on MY day, you know? But, I guess that's the selfish jerk in me. We all have that little bit in us.

Hey, at least I'm nothing like my mother-in-law who on Saturday found a new level of selfishness that we had no idea existed for her. In talking on the phone with my husband Saturday night about prepping for today's viewing she mentioned the gift we gave Mammo for her birthday / Mother's Day. It was a very cool radio that reads Secure Digital cards and USB drives and plays any music stored on said drives. Along with the radio, we included a 2GB SD card with 1.6 gigs of music from the 30's and 40's. Mammo had mentioned to my husband how much she missed that music and how sad it was that no one plays it anymore. So, for the last month of her life Mammo was able to listen to the music of her youth that she loved so much. And I digress. So, my MIL being the incredibly selfish woman she is actually had the audacity to say to my husband on Saturday night in regards to this awesome radio (keep in mind that Mammo has been dead barely a day and a half):

"So, do I get to take it home?"

Uhhhh....

Wow. Just effing WOW. Seriously? I mean, I knew this woman was beyond selfish but she has officially found a whole new level. And here I am keeping the bit about today being my birthday to myself when talking to her because this thing isn't about me. It's about Mammo and, well, I actually CARE about others feelings. I didn't feel it was appropriate to mention to her that the viewing for her dead mother is on MY birthday. See there? That's me NOT being selfish with regards to my overly selfish mother-in-law.


OK, so now on to the BEST. Present. EVER.

My brother Todd called me last night at about a quarter to 9pm saying that it was time. His GF Shannon was in labor and it was definitely time. So, I threw on some flipflops, grabbed my phone and purse and ran out the door to go pick them up. They don't have a car so my sister Tracey and I have been "on call" for the past few weeks waiting for Shannon to go into labor. She was overdue by over a week, poor thing!

When we got to the hospital last night her contractions were 2.5 minutes apart and she was dilated to 4cm, 75-80% effaced. She was ready for drugs RIGHT THEN. Poor thing doesn't handle pain well...though, IMO, I think she was doing great! They admitted her fairly quickly and got her an epidural pretty darned fast! We got there just after 9pm and she had the epi in by 10:30pm. Seriously, NOT BAD for time, don't you think?? Anyway, I stuck around till 11pm because I wanted to make sure that Shannon's little boy Lucas (6yo) was taken care of by his grandpa. Her dad lives over an hour away from the hospital so it took him a while to get there and then he didn't have a carseat for Lucas so I'm *really* glad I stuck around 'cause I lent him one of my boosters.

I got word this morning that my newest nephew Clarence was born just after 10am this morning. ON MY BIRTHDAY. This is the BEST gift I could have ever been given and it makes up for the sadness that shall be felt this afternoon. So, now, for the rest of my life I shall no longer look at my birthday as being MY day. It's Clarence's day, too. I get to share it with a special gift from God. Life is good.

PMS is My Friend

I wanted brownies last night. BAD. Hell, I've wanted brownies bad for over a week and somehow I've managed to keep the box in the cupboard. But last night was the worst. Even the enticement of sex wasn't enough for me as it was last week.

Unfortunately, it was way too frigging hot in my house - 79°F in the kitchen! So, I "settled" for a rather minuscule bowl of Cocoa Puffs. Let me tell you first that was IN NO WAY an adequate substitute for brownies. And second, it so was NOT good enough to make up for the PAIN IN MY LIVER. (Thanks to my recently diagnosed "Fatty Liver".) Grrrrr....I don't care how frigging hot it is tonight. I'm making BROWNIES.

Yes, PMS is here and she is my friend.