tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-258214702024-03-07T16:38:39.880-08:00RamblingsA new description coming soon...once I decide exactly what this shall be about. Revamping this blog that I started about 3 years when first going through PPD after the birth of my 3yo son. We shall soon see what this is about now. :)Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-16916991211186802712010-06-23T02:58:00.000-07:002010-06-23T02:58:02.830-07:00My Head Just Might ExplodeI don't know. Maybe.<br />
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So much shit I need to do. Too little time.<br />
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Sound familiar? Yeah, tell me about it! I swear, there's just too much! And too much to think about. I can't keep a straight thought most of the time anymore and that right there is enough to make me think my head really just might explode at some point in the very near future.<br />
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Work has been weird for the past month or so. I work nights. 5:30pm to 2am and most of the time I don't mind it. Sadly, for about a month there I had very little to do. Sure, sometimes it's nice to get paid to do practically nothing but I'm just not the kind of person who can handle having nothing to do for very long. I have to have work to do. My mind absolutely cannot wrap itself around being paid for doing nothing. It drives me insane. Plus, I really do enjoy being busy. I don't handle having nothing but time on my hands very well. The other problem is, I don't handle having too much to do very well either. And finding a happy medium seems to be impossible. It's either feast or famine and never the twain shall meet!<br />
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The beginning of last week at work I was bored to tears. Couldn't figure out what to do with my "free" time. It was like with nothing to do my mind just went blank and, really, there are only so many Facebook games one person can handle. Well, that <b><i>this<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">person can handle anyway. And then right about Wednesday night I believe, all hell broke loose and I had more work than I knew what to do with. The start of this week is no different. No. Wait. Let me rephrase that: There's even <b>more</b> work this week! Yes, I </span>love<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"> being busy. However, I don't love being so busy that I don't have the time to </span></span></i></b><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">even </span></span></i></b><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">make lasting mental lists for the things I need to do when I get home or get up in the morning.</span></span></i></b><br />
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Work is only part of this whole equation, though. This past weekend felt like a brief nanosecond in time. Honestly, it was as if I went to bed after work early Saturday morning and woke up at noon on Monday. Okay, so maybe not that fast but you get the idea, right? It was a very busy weekend! Berry picking on Saturday with the kids. I made a terrible dinner (yes, I am an excellent cook but even sometimes I can screw up steak!) and then began processing berries after the boys were in bed. Sunday was Father's day so, of course, it was all about the hubby. Up super early (for me - remember, I work nights) to make breakfast for the kids and then make an even more special breakfast for my husband while sitting on the boys to finish their card for Daddy. Fortunately, Michelle had stayed up Saturday night to make cards for both Beau and her dad - really nice cards, too! </span></span></i></b><br />
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<a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="Father's Day Breakfast" border="0" src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/Blog/FDB-small.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Gahh, well, let's just say that Sunday flew by, too! As did Monday. Processing berries and making jam and canning said jam takes time. A lot of time, actually. Especially when you've got a picky husband who doesn't like raspberry seeds. Come Tuesday, we each awoke to a text from Beau's best friend saying "Pool party!" Finally, summer is thinking about making an appearance in Oregon. Just warm enough for some poolside fun! So, of course, forget everything else I might need to do and we head off with the kids to go play in the pool at John's apartment complex. The kids had a blast and we actually got some good exercise in. Plus, Momma got some SUN! It's kind of nice seeing more than just super pasty pale skin when I look in the mirror. Yes, I know, sun = BAD. But, you know what? I love the sun and I needed a very healthy dose of Vitamin D. I've been lacking in that particular vitamin and the supplements I got from Trader Joe's give me nasty burps. Better to get it fresh from the source anyway. </span></span></i></b><br />
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Blah. See what I mean? I'm barely keeping a coherent thought here. My brain just races from one thought to the next, barely making any understandable connections. I have bills to pay. I have a party on Saturday that I'm supposed to be hosting and I haven't sent out any invites! Oi. And, really, I just need some sleep. I'm exhausted. Pretty sure my iron levels are low, too. Been taking another supplement for that and, again, more nasty burps. Doesn't seem to be helping, either.<br />
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I feel like my brain either goes 100MPH or it just stops dead. There's no in between. Nothing that will help me just get what I need done. Right now, I'm in at that 100MPH mode and I can't shut it down without some help. Help from my tasty friend: Beer. Sadly, beer tends to shut it down completely. Hey, at least it helps me sleep!<br />
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Please forgive me if there are typos, run on sentences, short sentences and incoherent thoughts. This is just the way my brain has been lately, and quite frankly, I have no time to proofread before publishing this post right now. There only about 5 things I need to go do <b><u>RIGHT NOW.</u></b>Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-506498534267194832010-02-22T22:55:00.000-08:002010-02-22T22:57:15.601-08:00Part 1: I Suck At Being A MomIt's true. I will deny it no longer. I suck at this whole motherhood thing. And it is heartbreaking to admit. But I figure that admitting and accepting failure is the first step to success, right? So, here I go. Forgive me in advance if this gets long as I am quite sure that it will, what with all the crap floating around in my head right now.<br />
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Before I begin to detail all of my terrible not-so-motherly transgressions I want to first explain that I am not trying to steal an idea from other "Mommy Bloggers" out there. I am clearly not one of them, though I do follow many of them. One in particular comes to mind whenever I am faced with the fact that I am indeed a bad mom. She goes by <a href="http://twitter.com/herbadmother">@herbadmother</a> on Twitter and you can find her blog at <a href="http://www.herbadmother.com/">http://www.HerBadMother.com</a>. Her name is in fact Catherine and her tagline is "Bad <i>is </i>the new good." I have often tried to console myself with this thought, however, it just doesn't work. So, again, I want to say that I am in no way trying to capitalize on this idea that it's OK to be a "Bad Mom". I am also not suggesting that Catherine <b>is</b> a bad mom, from what I read in her blog and her tweets she is a very nurturing and loving mother. I just need to get this off my chest, K?<br />
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Now, let's see, where do I begin? I'll start at just about 25 minutes ago and work my way back. How about that?<br />
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Alright, about a half hour ago I kissed my husband goodnight and headed up to bed. I have a massive sinus headache and had planned to take some meds then crawl into bed and hopefully sleep off this pounding in my head. Sadly, this did not happen exactly as planned. I got into my room and was just about to start undressing when I hear noise coming from the kids' room. It sounds like the boys are playing and/or fighting. This ticks me off royally because they were tucked into bed an hour and a half before. There should be absolutely no noise coming from down the hall. At all.<br />
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Dismayed, I heaved a rather large sigh and walked myself down the hall. I burst into the room (surprise is the best weapon a parent has in these situations, yes?), turned the light on and yelled something about their having been up here for an hour and a half ... My tirade didn't last long. In fact, I'm not sure I even finished the thought because I immediately noticed that Noah is asleep (he lifted his head briefly then went back to sleep) and Adam is doing his weird half-awake freak out - this is semi normal as he has suffered from night terrors since he was a toddler.<br />
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Of course, I immediately went to him to try to wake him up and figure out what was wrong. He was shivering despite jammies and blankets. He was also acting like he needed to go pee. So, I pick up my 6yo little boy who clings to me as I take him to the bathroom. It took a bit of work but I finally get him seated on the toilet where he does his business though not without lots of shivering, crying and not really being able to communicate with me. He's got a little bit of diarrhea going on - same thing his father, myself and younger brother have had the pleasure (can you taste the sarcasm?) of <i>enjoying</i> over the past few days.<br />
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And here is where my most recent Bad Mom moment comes in.<br />
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My first thought is this: <i>Dang it. I'm going to have to keep him home from school tomorrow. I can't deal with both of them all day. Alone. Ugh!!!</i><br />
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Yup. I suck that much. Here my child isn't even fully awake. He's obviously not feeling good - tummy ache, shivers, diarrhea, etc - and my thought is that I just can't handle a full day with my monstrous children all by myself tomorrow. And there I go again. I called them monstrous when in all actuality <b>they're just normal little boys</b>. I immediately berated myself and returned my focus to my poor little man.<br />
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Got him back to bed, snuggled for a minute, got him comfortable and within moments he was sound asleep again. And then I was back to hating myself for being such a worthless mother. As I left his room and headed back to my own I was inspired to start writing again. You see, I often lose my voice in the face of stress and I've had more than my fair share over the past 6 months. I decided that I needed to begin confessing all of my horrific "achievements" (ha ha) as a mom recently. In fact, I had intended on confessing to much more tonight. However, my face is still on fire. The light from my laptop screen is causing sharp stabbing pain behind my eyes and I really do just want to sleep right now.<br />
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But tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow shall reveal more.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-89455330032607980932009-08-16T22:48:00.000-07:002009-08-17T08:23:05.262-07:00The Portland Pie Off<img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/winningpie-blog.jpg" alt="Winning Pie" border="0" /><br /><br />On Wednesday of this past week my husband tweeted at me on Twitter about an event I had never heard of before: <a href="http://www.portlandpieoff.com/">The Portland Pie Off</a>. His tweet was pretty darned specific that I should enter. Like ASAP. So, I looked into it. I seriously considered it. Wasn't sure about it, though, because I only had a few days to prepare - the Pie Off was set for today, Sunday, August 16th. That's not much time to make a good decision! I talked with some friends about it to get some ideas. I talked with my husband about it and got his thoughts on it. Finally, I decided to go ahead and register online for my famous Buttermilk Chess Pie. Well, it's famous within <span style="font-weight: bold;">my</span> family anyway.<br /><br />I was first introduced to buttermilk pie when I was about 12 years old. My uncle's then wife, Kim, was from Texas and this was her pie. She brought it to a family gathering at my grandparent's house and my older sister, Teri, was absolutely adamant that I should try it. Well, like any 12yo girl with discerning tastes, I was extremely hesitant. I mean, who wouldn't be with an ingredient like *shudder* <span style="font-style: italic;">buttermilk</span> in it? In fact, it took <span style="font-weight: bold;">a lot</span> of coaxing from Teri to convince me to finally try it. Oh, but when I did I instantly fell in love! To this day, buttermilk pie remains my favorite pie of all time.<br /><br />When I was 18 and on my own I went in search of the perfect buttermilk pie recipe. Over the past 14 years I have played with the most basic of buttermilk recipes and have made it my own. This is such an amazing pie that my entire family loves it and asks for it pretty much every year during the holidays. And I don't just mean my immediate family (you know, the husband and kids), I mean the extended family as well. Mom, dad, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. They all love my pie. For quite a few years there I was known as The Pie Lady on both sides of my family (and then I had a couple more kids...less time for baking these days). Of course, I make more than just the famous buttermilk pie. But it is definitely my signature pie.<br /><br />We do love it.<br /><br />Of course, my husband being the loving and doting husband that he is (at least where his stomach is concerned <span style="font-style: italic;">haha</span>) had insisted that the buttermilk was the way to go. So, yet again, I tweaked it just a little bit more. Doing my best to make it <span style="font-weight: bold;">my own</span>. This pie belongs to me and no one else. I also tweaked my pie crust recipe (which once started off as one from my Great Grandmother Effie Dilley) to make it <span style="font-style: italic;">just that much better</span>. No, it wasn't just better. It was <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">perfect</span> according to judge Byron Beck of the blog <a href="http://byronbeckwindow.ning.com/">Byron Beck's Window</a>.<br /><br />This afternoon at 1pm, I showed up at Peninsula Park in North Portland with my pie in hand and laid myself out on the table to be judged by one and all. The Portland Pie Off was my very first ever cooking/baking competition. For over an hour and a half we waited on the sidelines, watching the judging. Waiting. I managed to get a few shots of the judges obviously enjoying my special entry even though they didn't want any of the competitors milling about during the judging.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/judgesdevouring-blog.jpg" alt="Judging" border="0" /><br /></div><br />The kids played. We had a picnic lunch - my special home made egg salad sandwiches. We tried to keep ourselves busy taking pictures of the kids playing. Everyone enjoyed the merry go round quite a bit. Sometimes I worry that my 5 year old son has no fear ...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/merrygoround-adam-blog.jpg" alt="Merry Go Round" border="0" /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Finally, it was time to reveal the winners. All the competitors were called back over to the judging area and were asked to move in nice and close so that all could hear the announcements. I waited by my pie with bated breath as they read off the winners for the various categories. When the announcement was made for the winner of the Best Custard Pie I was shocked. I was excited beyond belief and boy, oh boy, was I PROUD! Can I just say how frigging difficult it was to keep from crying? I know, I'm a complete sap. But being that this was my <span style="font-weight: bold;">first ever</span> cooking or baking competition, I think it's to be expected, right?!?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/winner-blog.jpg" alt="Winner's Circle" border="0" /> <img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/blueribbon-blog.jpg" alt="Blue Ribbon Winner" border="0" /><br /></div><br />Along with my Blue Ribbon for The Best Custard Pie, I also received a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0470111356/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=304485901&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0028624513&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0EE4BHWPK07JX0AECC0Y">Betty Crocker Cooking Basics</a> cookbook which I plan to share with my 11 year old daughter as I teach her how to cook and bake in the same way my mother did for me.<br /><br />Once the revealing of winners was complete, all who were present were invited to dig in and enjoy all of the pie entries. My pie went <span style="font-weight: bold;">FAST</span>. No, it was faster than fast. It flew off that table! Lucky me - or maybe it was lucky for everyone else? - I had a 2nd pie on hand to give others a chance to taste my truly divine creation.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j113/JenHud/2ndpie-blog.jpg" alt="The Backup Pie" border="0" /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">After today one thing is for sure (aside from the fact that I have a winning pie recipe). I absolutely will be entering more cooking contests. Baking, especially, is a passion of mine and has been for many years. Since we moved back in June I am finding that I have to learn how to bake all over again. But, having a convection oven does that. I certainly am enjoying the lovely convection oven ... and I shall continue to share my baking spoils with the world.<br /><br /><em>Bon Appétit</em>.<br /></div></div></div></div>Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-36164287820358196862009-08-01T23:57:00.000-07:002009-08-02T04:05:54.325-07:00Do You Ever Just Feel Rotten?I don't mean physically. We all get sick every so often and usually the best word to describe that feeling is "rotten". However, that is not at all where I'm going with this. It's more a mental thing.<br /><br />So, yeah, I've been feeling pretty damned rotten for the past week. I've even gone so far as to explore my use of the *F* word. You know which one I'm talking about: FUCK. Not on Twitter, mind you. In an effort to appease my husband I try to keep the cursing to a bare minimum on there. But Facebook is a different story. He's not on FB and probably never will be. Plus, pretty much everyone I chat with on FB is well aware of my fondness for this word. So, in hopes to help my mood and see if it truly is as therapeutic as some experts say I started a few "Fuck" rants on FB this week.<br /><br />Wait! Stop right there! Before I go on I feel I should qualify something. Many of my friends and family who do read my blog already or who may in the future read this blog know this one basic thing about me: I am indeed a Christian. Baptist, to be exact. I love the Lord. I have been Saved since I was 12 or 13 (I remember the moment, just not the exact year). I am comfortable with my salvation and my standing with God. Yes, such language as is described above is not considered very Christian like and is in fact often considered hypocritical. However, I just want to point out this one little fact: We Are ALL OF US Sinners. There is not one person on this earth who can claim to not be a Sinner. Some of us are just more at peace with their "Sinner" side. I happen to be one of them. Again, I love the Lord and I confess Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I know where I am going after this life here on earth is over. I also know that I will have to answer to God for all of my sins I have willingly, and unwillingly, committed during my life time. But, I am who I am and I won't change that for anyone. So, if you think me a hypocrite and decide you can have no respect for someone who confesses Salvation while also accepting their Sinner status, well then you'd better just leave right now. Click that little red X in the upper right hand corner of your browser and never come back.<br /><br />OK, now that I have the attention of those who truly enjoy my witty writing, I shall continue...<br /><br />Where was I? Oh, yes, the "Fuck" rants on Facebook this week. Never before in my experience on FB (about a year now) have I received so many approving responses to my status updates. I'll admit it, I'm a bit of an attention whore. I do so enjoy having the focus on me at times. Not all the time, mind you, as I do have some anti-social tendencies and when those tendencies take hold of me I am mostly absent from the internet and draw into myself, away from my family and friends.<br /><br />"Ha!" you say? "Jen? Antisocial? No way!" you're thinking? (Someone actually said something to that effect to me just last night.) But, yes, it is indeed true! In my teens and early 20's I had a very hard time assimilating into crowds. I hated parties with a passion and always felt out of place no matter who was there. I have worked very, very hard over the last 14 years to banish most of those issues and have learned to become a far more social person. I still don't have many very close friends and have lost quite a few over the years, but I now have also learned to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am - not for whom they think I should be.<br /><br />Ahhhh, but I digress. I was talking about feeling rotten, wasn't I? Yes, indeed, I have been in a mostly rotten mood this week. Not entirely sure as to the full reason for this mood, either. But, the "Fuck" rants on Facebook were a sort of experiment. As I mentioned before, I wanted to see just how therapeutic it was and as much fun as I had reading through the witty and often downright hilarious comments, I found that it truly didn't help much. Now, I won't lie and say that I don't enjoy flying the F bomb every so often because I most certainly do. There are times when no other word or expletive will do. Nothing says it better than "Fuck!!!" when something has you just so darned frustrated that you can't think of anything else to say.<br /><br />Well, I guess <span style="font-weight: bold;">Experiment: Fuck</span> was a complete failure. Or maybe it was a success? I guess that all depends on the way you look at it. Either way, the rotten feeling has yet to leave me. I have good moments, sure, but mostly I can't shake this BLECH mental feeling this week. Not only that but because of this horrid feeling of ultimate rottenness I've been a bitch to my family. I don't mean to be. In fact, I try very hard to stay more relaxed around the family - kids especially. Unfortunately, I have not at all been successful in that endeavor this week.<br /><br />There is some hope on the horizon, though. My good friend Ariel is getting married next weekend. I am very excited and for many good reasons. I love my friend and am beyond pleased to see her so happy and in love after her last relationship that lasted 10 years and I'm not entirely sure any of them were truly good ones. The man she is marrying is awesome and he treats her like she's a queen - exactly what she deserves! Plus, I love weddings! Oh, and on top of all that my husband and I are photographing the wedding as our gift to them. I am also making her wedding day jewelry. So, with any luck the preparations over the next week for the wedding will be enough to lighten my heart and my mind if not the anticipation of finally getting to meet my friend Tori and her husband Wayne IN PERSON. Tori Wayne will be arriving Friday evening and staying with us so that they can be there for the wedding, too. This will actually be everyone's first time meeting Tori in person. We've known her through the internet for 2.5 years now and have often talked on the phone but have yet to finally meet up (even though she lives less than 4 hours away).<br /><br />Hmmmmm...how do I end this now? Hahaha! I guess I'll end this by reiterating that having a "Fuck" fest on Facebook while feeling mentally rotten just doesn't cut it. However, I am pretty sure that the anticipation of a happy event and enjoying time friends is just what the doctor ordered. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/icon_wink.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 15px; height: 15px;" src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/icon_wink.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-24377938120908780172009-07-21T13:33:00.001-07:002009-07-21T14:16:21.898-07:00Why Can't Sex Do THAT For Me???Truly, it's just not fair. Just sayin' ...<br /><br />My niece. My favorite niece. The oldest child of my oldest sister. She's a special girl, or rather, a special young woman. I adore her, she is truly a young woman to be proud of. This niece, whom I shall call S, is 18 (19 in November) and just graduated from high school last month. This same niece has also entered into her very first mature relationship just about 2 months ago.<br /><br />S's boyfriend, J, is a sweet kid. He's 20 and absolutely adores her. Not only that but he's been good for her, she's really growing up even more. I am a very proud auntie. S waited to have sex till this boy. She was a good girl. She was 18.5 before losing her virginity and let me tell you, she did <span style="font-weight: bold;">not</span> mean to share that info with anyone, it just kind of slipped out one day.<br /><br />Let me tell you about that first because it was quite comical...<br /><br />You see, it was a Sunday afternoon and I was visiting with S's mom - my older sister - and one of S's other aunts - her dad's younger sister. We were all out on the back deck and talking about periods and hysterectomies and other womanly "issues". S's other aunt, G, had a hysterectomy last year due to some serious complications with her poor girl parts. Some very similar issues to those that I have as well. So, we were talking about birth control and heavy periods and such when S comes out to join in and visit with us. The topic of S's super heavy and horrible periods came up and my sister volunteers that S has been on the pill for 3 months to help with that (and apparently it has). But then my sister also made a comment about how the pill was not 100% effective (this was pointed at S) and that our own mother had gotten pregnant while on the pill. I, of course, chimed in that I had as well. This is when S blurted out, "Well, that's why I also use other protection!"<br /><br />Whoops.<br /><br />Yeah, she didn't really mean to say that. It ... just ... slipped out. And boy, howdy, did she get RED! A few minutes later J joined us out on the deck and the shade of magenta got just a little bit brighter. My sister, G and myself all being married women and mothers with at least three kids for each of us (S is the oldest of <span style="font-weight: bold;">five</span>), we had a good laugh and weren't at all upset or even embarrassed by S's untimely admission of her adult-like behavior. We just found lots and lots of humor in the way it came about. So, of course we had to clue J in on the conversation so he would understand poor S's flushed face. He, too, blushed a bit but took it good-naturedly and we all laughed it off and I soon left as I needed to get back home.<br /><br />Fast forward to 2 days ago. Sunday at noon I show up at my sister's house to pick up my 11 year old daughter who had spent the night. S walks through the kitchen and it strikes me that her body has changed. She has lost a lot of weight, her waist has slimmed down and, if I am correct, she's even lost some size in her boobs (oh, that I could be so lucky!). So, being the open family that we are, I comment to my sister about the weight loss who then responds with this:<br /><br />"It's all the sex! As soon as she started having sex, her tummy went flat! Why can't sex do THAT for me???"<br /><br />And there you go. We are jealous of the newest addition to adulthood in our family: My 18 year old niece, S. She is a woman, full and true. And the lucky little bitch is losing weight because she's having sex.<br /><br />Seriously. Not. Fair.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-75459746175047354772009-07-18T01:24:00.000-07:002009-07-18T02:04:01.775-07:00I Should Post Something New You Say?Oh, I suppose it is overdue. So often I think of things I want to write about. Sitting on the bus or train to or from work I think of things. Or lying in bed, I think of things. Often, at work, while working on an issue for a user I think of something that's bugging me or that I think may be blog worthy. But then once I get to a place where I might actually have a few moments to write, I can't think of shit. <br /><br />Really? Yes, it is true. Mostly, by the time I have a few moments to myself I've completely lost everything that makes me ME. When I have these moments for me it is only after working a full time job outside of the home all day, coming home to fix dinner for my brood, performing various household chores, spending time with afore mentioned brood and then putting them to bed. Once they're in bed I usually have a few other things to do and a husband nagging me to do yet more things for him. And then, usually around 11pm, I have some time for myself. I get up before 7am. So, yeah, I don't really get much time for me.<br /><br />Being a full time working mom - outside the home - and the "bread winner" to boot is a tough job. A mother's job is never done whether she works outside the home or works as a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I know that the job of a SAH-Parent is never easy and is also never ending. But somehow so much more always falls on the mother even when the SAHP is the husband. <br /><br />I often hear from my SAHM friends complaints about their husbands who work hard (or not) outside the home to provide for their families. Complaints that these husbands "get" to go to work and then "get" to do whatever they want every night once they're home while my friends, these SAHM's, are constantly on the go taking care of the house and the family. Well, how does that play for the moms who work and the dads who stay home? I wonder what it's like for other families out there who are in similar positions as my husband and myself.<br /><br />My husband has been unemployed for going on 3 years and not by choice, mind you, but it is what it is and we make do on my income alone. In fact, we have often made do on my income alone far more than we've had 2 incomes. Mostly, I don't mind this. In fact, it wouldn't bother me at all if I knew that my poor husband was happy at home with the children. But he's not and the fact is that he just is not able to make enough to pay for daycare at this point should he go back to work. And he especially could not support us on any salary he would make getting back into the workforce after 3 years off. Again, this is NOTHING to me. I have always had a sense of need to work outside the home. It is important to me that I contribute to the household. <br /><br />When my now 11yo daughter was a baby my role was reversed. My ex-husband made more then than I do now and I was a SAHM because I thought that this was what I wanted. I soon realized that I equate my worth with my ability to provide for myself and not take from someone else even if he is my husband. Having been through that situation during my first marriage I can sympathize with my current husbands frustrations and diminished selfworth - though I am sure he does not think about this.<br /><br />My husband, Lord bless him, is a GOOD man. To me, he is a desirable man. He is talented in so many ways, he is witty and funny and so amazingly full of love. But for some reason he is unable to keep a job for more than a year it seems. Honestly, I don't understand it and neither does he. And at this point, after his longest stretch of unemployment, he is feeling extremely disenchanted with life in general and especially with our family. He is miserable quite frankly. He hates being home with the kids. He sees my <span style="font-weight: bold;">having</span> to work as a gift. He tells me I'm lucky that I <span style="font-weight: bold;">get</span> to go to work and doesn't understand why I am jealous of him. He also feels that he does everything in the home while I sit back and laze around like a sloth and can't ever understand when I need a break - from both he and the kids. He truly and sincerely resents me my gainful employment. I have been with my current employer for 2 years now and prior to this position I worked on the Nike WHQ Campus for 6.5 years. But for me, working has never really been anything but a <span style="font-weight: bold;">must</span>. I <span style="font-weight: bold;">have</span> to work. There is no choice in it for me and especially not now. We are dependent on my income and the benefits I receive through my employer.<br /><br />How do you come to a workable solution in a situation such as this with the unemployment rate sitting at over 12% in our beautiful state of Oregon? At one time I thought for sure we could handle this arrangement but now I fear it can't hold together much longer. It's become an immense strain on our marriage and, truthfully, I have no idea how to fix it.<br /><br />So, there. That's what's on my mind right now. It's 2am. I should be in bed asleep having been up for more than 19 hours and yet, here I sit, writing something I am sure my loving husband will read but am not sure how he'll react. Truth. I only write the truth.<br /><br />And now, off I go...to read for a few minutes until I pass out from sheer exhaustion. Until I blog again....Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-82966683846839190882009-07-07T14:38:00.000-07:002009-07-07T14:42:50.855-07:00Insight into dream content?All through my childhood and up until about a year ago or so I often dreamt of flying. But not just flying. I would jump and soar, then come down and gently bounce and soar some more. Each time I soared through the sky my flight would get longer and longer until I would finally wake up just before trying to land for good (landing was always a scary proposition in these dreams).<br /><br />Well, yesterday I spent all day thinking on the dream I had on Sunday night. It was an odd one that started off in a restaurant with ... IDK who it was, just some random people that I seemed to know. I had to go to the bathroom but instead of using the restroom inside the restaurant I went outside and began to cross the parking lot to use one somewhere else. As I was crossing the parking lot someone called to me whom I apparently knew/worked with so I changed directions and went over to talk to him. He then started pulling a video camera and other equipment out of boxes and explaining to me how to use them and what my "new job" was going to be. That took a while and I never did end up going to the bathroom. Instead, once I was finished with him I went back to the restaurant to meet up with my group who'd already had their food delivered to the table. Once I was back at the table I realized I was naked. I wasn't embarrassed in any way, it actually was just an odd thing of "Where the heck did my clothes go?" I covered my chest with my arm but that was it. I searched for my clothes but it really wasn't *that* big of a deal and no one else seemed to care much. I did worry a little bit about what my new "boss" would think but it wasn't anything that mortified me in any way. It was just odd.<br /><br />So, the more I thought on this dream yesterday the more perplexed I was. And then it occurred to me last night as I was prepping some steaks to fix for tonight's dinner that I have similar dreams quite often. I've been dreaming about being naked in public for a while now. But just as in Sunday night's dream my nakedness is nothing of any real concern. I am just left wondering what the heck happened to my clothes. I'm not embarrassed in any way by it though I do try to locate my clothing (unsuccessfully, mind you).<br /><br />Weird, no? Any ideas on what this means? Feedback is appreciated!Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-27724194157758931372009-06-09T10:18:00.000-07:002009-06-09T15:42:30.311-07:00I need energy. And time. Definitely need more time.I am having the HARDEST time keeping my eyes open today! <img src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/sleepy1.gif" alt="Sleepy / Sleeping" border="0" /><br /><br />I had a fabulous piece of cake at the Cheesecake Factory last night and now my sweets craving is totally curbed. I want no crap food. Not even close to craving it. I had my yogurt & berries this morning with a couple teaspoons of grapenuts mixed in and my 2 pieces of low carb toast with Smart Balance spread. I've got a spinach salad and some mini pitas & hummus for lunch. No idea what I'll do for dinner but possibly squash if the house isn't too hot to bake this evening.<br /><br />Seriously, considering that AF should be showing up anytime between today and Thursday, I think that's pretty amazing. Though I have noticed over the past few months that my chocolate cravings come during PMS and then are gone by the time AF makes her appearance. <br /><br />I need more time so I can find more energy. There just aren't enough hours in the day!!! <img src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/crybaby2.gif" alt="Cry Baby" border="0" /> I am tired but at the same time I have the desire to just get up and GO RUN (not that I can actually run...stupid <img src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/---swear1.gif" alt="Swear" border="0" /> body...). But I need to do SOMETHING, you know? And I know that by DOING I will find more energy. UGH. Why can't I be in this place ALL the time? And why can't I have the time and resources to do what I want/need to for my body??? I want to be fit. I don't care if I'm ever even a size 8 again. But I want to tone up my arms and I want to have at least a semi flat tummy. Not all the nasty bulge I have right now. I am NOT happy in a size 14. A 10 or 12 would be perfect...<br /><br />Now, HOW do I find the time to create the energy???<br /><br />I mean, I have a full time job where I sit on my ASS all day long. OK, my desk is cool and I can raise it and stand whenever I want but, again, the body doesn't like that. It screams. Literally. But, I do try to spend part of my work day standing. Ahhhh and I digress... <br /><br />Anyway, I work. Full time. I'm up and out the door by 7:15am every morning. I rush out, drive to not the train stop nearest my home but the next one because parking is better at that one. Jump on a TriMet MAX train and walk into usually just about 3 minutes to 8am. I work all day and then back home and walking in the house usually around 6pm. <br /><br />Once I'm home I am inundated in children screaming:<br /><br />"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"<br />"Can I have ____?"<br />"Will you get me ____?"<br />"I want ____!!!!"<br /><br />This I must deal with all while trying to say hello to and spend a few quality minutes with my husband (whom the children have been stuck at home with) before heading to the kitchen to try to figure out what to cook next that my children are only going to turn their noses up at.<br /><br />Then comes the prep/cooking part of the evening that includes somehow managing to keep the children OUT of the kitchen. Ha! Yeah, right...my kids, stay out of the kitchen? Never! And, of course, this entire time they are yelling at me that they are HUNGRY. Then, as soon as dinner is finished and served guess what they do! You got it! They turn their noses up and say, "I'm not hungry!"<br /><br />HUH? Really? You're not hungry? Are you sure about this? Because, I'm quite certain I just heard you say you were STARVING like 10 minutes ago.<br /><br />Yes, this is a scene played out in my home on a nightly basis. It never ends. I swear. After dinner it's snuggle time, books and bed. Of course now that it's getting darker much later they're going to bed later, too. And so this means that anything *Mom* wants to do w/out children under foot has to happen later as well. <br /><br />Do you see where I'm going with this? I have no life of my own. My life belongs to my employer and my children. Mommy works 24/7 whether she stays home or works for someone else. There never is a quiet moment. Even when the kids are in bed. Oh, how I wish I were kidding...Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-16177430287046480572009-06-08T11:20:00.000-07:002009-06-08T11:54:35.827-07:00BEST. Present. EVER.Today is my birthday. Big whoop, right? Yeah, I'm 32 years old today. Woo. OK, so until this birthday I have dreaded the birthday. Every year. I don't know why. I've always insisted that there is nothing wrong with "getting old" and I get upset with my husband for being self deprecating regarding his age. He claims he's old as dirt and often teases me for being "young". He loves me, though. Not like he had a choice! Ha! The good Lord took care of that for us. ;)<br /><br />So, anyway, it's my birthday. And all weekend I was really dreading it. Not because of the whole "birthday" thing because, again, I'm finally cool with it. But because my husband's awesome grandmother passed away early Friday morning at the ripe wonderful age of 96. Mammo was fabulous woman and we shall dearly miss her. Well, her service is this afternoon at 2:30. It's just a "viewing" but obviously, these things are never just viewings. Friends and family will be there to remember her. I've really had a hard time this weekend keeping that one little work in focus: REMEMBER. We are not mourning her death, we are remembering her life. It just kind of sucks that it's happening on MY day, you know? But, I guess that's the selfish jerk in me. We all have that little bit in us. <br /><br />Hey, at least I'm nothing like my mother-in-law who on Saturday found a new level of selfishness that we had no idea existed for her. In talking on the phone with my husband Saturday night about prepping for today's viewing she mentioned the gift we gave Mammo for her birthday / Mother's Day. It was a very cool radio that reads Secure Digital cards and USB drives and plays any music stored on said drives. Along with the radio, we included a 2GB SD card with 1.6 gigs of music from the 30's and 40's. Mammo had mentioned to my husband how much she missed that music and how sad it was that no one plays it anymore. So, for the last month of her life Mammo was able to listen to the music of her youth that she loved so much. And I digress. So, my MIL being the incredibly selfish woman she is actually had the audacity to say to my husband on Saturday night in regards to this awesome radio (keep in mind that Mammo has been dead barely a day and a half):<br /><br />"So, do I get to take it home?"<br /><br />Uhhhh....<br /><br />Wow. Just effing WOW. Seriously? I mean, I knew this woman was beyond selfish but she has officially found a whole new level. And here I am keeping the bit about today being my birthday to myself when talking to her because this thing isn't about me. It's about Mammo and, well, I actually CARE about others feelings. I didn't feel it was appropriate to mention to her that the viewing for her dead mother is on MY birthday. See there? That's me NOT being selfish with regards to my overly selfish mother-in-law.<br /><br /><br />OK, so now on to the BEST. Present. EVER.<br /><br />My brother Todd called me last night at about a quarter to 9pm saying that it was time. His GF Shannon was in labor and it was definitely time. So, I threw on some flipflops, grabbed my phone and purse and ran out the door to go pick them up. They don't have a car so my sister Tracey and I have been "on call" for the past few weeks waiting for Shannon to go into labor. She was overdue by over a week, poor thing!<br /><br />When we got to the hospital last night her contractions were 2.5 minutes apart and she was dilated to 4cm, 75-80% effaced. She was ready for drugs RIGHT THEN. Poor thing doesn't handle pain well...though, IMO, I think she was doing great! They admitted her fairly quickly and got her an epidural pretty darned fast! We got there just after 9pm and she had the epi in by 10:30pm. Seriously, NOT BAD for time, don't you think?? Anyway, I stuck around till 11pm because I wanted to make sure that Shannon's little boy Lucas (6yo) was taken care of by his grandpa. Her dad lives over an hour away from the hospital so it took him a while to get there and then he didn't have a carseat for Lucas so I'm *really* glad I stuck around 'cause I lent him one of my boosters.<br /><br />I got word this morning that my newest nephew Clarence was born just after 10am this morning. ON MY BIRTHDAY. This is the BEST gift I could have ever been given and it makes up for the sadness that shall be felt this afternoon. So, now, for the rest of my life I shall no longer look at my birthday as being MY day. It's Clarence's day, too. I get to share it with a special gift from God. Life is good. <img src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/heart.gif" alt="Heart" border="0" />Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-86959321278176975712009-06-04T11:00:00.000-07:002009-06-04T11:05:24.753-07:00PMS is My Friend<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I wanted brownies last night. BAD. Hell, I've wanted brownies bad for over a week and somehow I've managed to keep the box in the cupboard. But last night was the worst. Even the enticement of sex wasn't enough for me as it was last week.<br /><br />Unfortunately, it was way too frigging hot in my house - 79</span>°<span style="font-family:verdana;">F</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"> in the kitchen! So, I "settled" for a rather minuscule bowl of Cocoa Puffs. Let me tell you first that was IN NO WAY an adequate substitute for brownies. And second, it so was NOT good enough to make up for the PAIN IN MY LIVER. (Thanks to my recently diagnosed "Fatty Liver".) Grrrrr....I don't care how frigging hot it is tonight. I'm making BROWNIES.<br /><br />Yes, PMS is here and she is my friend.</span> <img src="http://miforums.net/Smileys/classic/P%7E%7E%7E.gif" alt="Pbpt!" border="0" /></span>Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-58622583135604677472009-04-13T09:21:00.000-07:002009-04-14T08:47:43.017-07:00My first blog post in almost 3 years...Not at all sure exactly *what* to write about so I'll just start with the first thing in my head and go from there. Beware: This may get very random and odd. But bare with me as I will eventually find some direction. Promise!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Twitter Bug</span></span><br /><br />Have you been bitten? My husband listens to this awesome Podcast called <a href="http://www.twiplog.com/">TWIP - This Week In Photography</a> which very recently launched a new site called <a href="http://photofocus.com/">Photofocus</a>. Anyway, the various photographers who frequent the podcast, mainly <a href="http://scottbourne.com/">Scott Bourne</a>, kept mentioning this site called Twitter. My husband, the ever curious man that he is, finally checked it out. And signed up. Shocked the heck out of me! This is the man who shuns social networking. MySpace? Nope! Facebook? Heck, no! But Twitter? You betcha! Hmmmm...made me wonder. What's so great about it? I mean, I certainly was one to shun the mainstream social networking outlets as well.<br /><br />In fact, I waited something like 5 years after I first heard about MySpace before I finally gave in and checked it out. I played a little, got in touch with some old friends from high school. Eventually got bored. Then about 8 months later I gave in and checked out Facebook. Facebook was cool, I got into some of the games, played on that even longer than MySpace. And then life and work got in the way. Plus, I do actually run a forum community for moms and that tends to take up a lot of my time as well.<br /><br />So now, Facebook is a semi-thing-of-the-past for me and thanks to my well meaning husband, I am hooked on Twitter. I like Twitter the best, though. Far less information to share about yourself so that IF you wanted, you can have a following without ever sharing the smallest amount of personal information. You can post a website. Or not. You can post your real name. Or not. Your Bio can be as truthful as you want. Or not. It truly is up to you how much you want to share. I. Like. It. Oh, yes. I really do!<br /><br />Check me out on Twitter:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.twitter.com/Jen2Squared">http://www.twitter.com/Jen2Squared</a><br /><br />And then there's my lovely husband:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.twitter.com/MrJoatmon">http://www.twitter.com/MrJoatmon</a><br /><br />You never know who else you might find on there...Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1146602586919421362006-05-02T11:28:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.086-07:00I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here. I guess I just haven't felt the need. Though, I really shouldn't let that stop me because I know I still need the release this writing gives me even if I'm not feeling the need for it.<br /><br />Anyway...the last week and a half has been busy but fairly uneventful. I'm still going to the PPD Support Group every Tuesday evening though the meds are working very well - I actually feel normal again. Still working on learning how to take care of myself so that I can be a better, healthier Me and therefor a better Mom and Wife. Maybe this is all in my head but I still feel like Beau is holding me back in this endeavor. I want so very much to be all that I can be for him and the kids but he just doesn't seem to get that I need to do what's best for me first before I can take care of his needs. I mean, I'm all for taking care of my husbands needs but not at the cost of my own health. I know what you're thinking - by his "needs" you think I'm talking about sex. No, that's not it at all. I have, for the most part, no problems with enjoying my husband sexually. In fact, we have an incredibly awesome sex life - when we have time for it. But what I really mean by his "needs" are all the duties that are normally taken care of by a SAHM or "House Wife". I am neither, though, and we are in this marriage and this life together. As a partnership. But for some reason my husband seems to think it's all MY responsibility to do the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the children. He acts as if I'm putting him out if he actually has to spend a couple hours with the kids on the weekend by himself. So he stays home Mondays with the boys - that's his choice, it's not like that one day a week saves us any money on daycare. However just because he's chosen to spend one weekday a week with his sons and then work 4-10 hour days that doesn't give him the "free card" to not have to be a father the rest of the week. Again, maybe this is just all in my head and we just have some serious communication issues (well, we do have communication issues, no doubt about that), but then again, maybe it's not. I'm just telling it like I see it.<br /><br />I got some good news the other day, my best friend Chelle is pregnant with baby #2. It's just absolutely amazing! It took her almost 2 years to conceive her 14 month old son Jacob but this time it's only been about 2 months now since she and her husband stopped using any birth control. I guess the Lord just thought she was ready for another one. Anyway, I just thought share her happy news. :0)Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1145301969751703642006-04-17T11:45:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.086-07:00Time flies, work sucks, but I love my kidsWow, how incredibly long the last 2 weeks have been. We are borrowing bunk beds from my sister and got those set up last weekend. As soon as Adam saw his "new" bed he got very excited and kept repeating, "I love it! I love it!" He was very proud to have his new "big boy bed" and so far has slept well in it for an entire week. We explained to him that the crib is now Noah's bed and he was perfectly OK with that. I was amazed. I seriously thought it was going to take us a week or two to transition him over (he really loved his crib) but it didn't! He switched right over with no problems and Noah did the same - he sleeps very well in the crib. He's asked a couple of times to lay down in the crib but all I have to do is show him Noah laying down in it and he says, "OK." and allows me to lay him in his new big bed. I'm so proud of my boys! What's even more amazing is that before moving him to the crib Noah refused to go to bed before 10pm. But now, all of a sudden, he's super fussy and ready for bed at <strong>8:00pm.</strong> Not only that but I can lay him down wide awake and he will go to sleep ALL ON HIS OWN. Now, Adam has done this since he was 5 weeks old, silly boy wouldn't ever let me nurse him to sleep once he started that. But Noah...well, Noah's only done that a handful of times in his short 5 month life and now he's done it every night this week. <br /><br />I am truly blessed.<br /><br />Of course Michelle is beyond happy to finally have a normal bed - 8 years old and she's been in a toddler bed for the last 6+ years. When I told her the bunk beds were coming she was just beside herself with anticipation and then to get the top bunk to boot - that girl is on cloud 9! ;) <br /><br />Oh, and I mustn't forget...this weekend marks 2 milestones for my youngest, Noah. 1) He is 5 months old on Sunday. 5 months old, wearing 12mo clothing and has been switched over to a convertible car seat because let's face it, a child who wears 12mo clothing is far too freaking heavy to carry around, one-handed, in a carrier carseat. 2) He slept <strong><em>COMPLETELY</em></strong> through the night last night. And I don't mean just 6 or 7 hours which is what most consider "through the night" - he's been doing that for like 3 months now. But I mean he slept 10.5 hours. Went to bed at 9pm and didn't wake up until 7:30am. Unfortunately for me, <em>I</em> didn't sleep all night. I kept waking up expecting to hear him fussing at any given moment. Figures. Imagine my surprise, though, to not hear a peep out of him until 7:30am!<br /><br />Yes, I am indeed very blessed.<br /><br />Aside from all the kid/mommy stuff, I have just been completely exhausted. Work has been not so fun and way too busy for my liking. So busy, in fact, that I haven't been able to even take the time to post on here. That sucks. See, 4 weeks ago this coming Monday one of my co-worker's went out on medical leave to have a hysterectomy. This surgery was the final step in her process to becoming completely cancer free. She had estrogen-receptive breast cancer - meaning it feeds off of the estrogen which is naturally produced by every healthy woman of child-bearing age who still has her ovaries. This meant that she could no longer allow her ovaries to work. She tried Tomoxafen, which would have been a 5 year regimen to shut down her ovaries and being the extremely petite thing that she is she experienced almost every freaking side effect known for this drug. This made life hell for her and she gave in very quickly after starting the drug to the idea of just having it all taken out. Far easier than remembering to take that dumb expensive pill every day for 5 years. <br /><br />So anyway, she went out on medical leave and I was left to cover for her and do her job while she was out. No problem, I can do that. Two weeks later, she's at home, board out of her mind having read 4 books and watched all the TV she can handle and somehow she managed to get her doctor to sign the release for her to be able to work from home for her last 2 weeks of recovery. She got less than a week into it and realized that she is in fact NOT superwoman and her body really was not ready to be sitting up quite so much so soon after having some of her internal organs removed and she calls in sick for the last week of her 4 weeks *out* of the office. This wouldn't have been too terribly bad except for the fact that my boss decided to put me on another project after my lovely coworker got the OK from her doc to work from home. So, when she decided to call in sick for all of last week, guess who got to do all of her work again PLUS all of mine? Yup, that's right, it was ME. Me. Me. Me. Me. I'm tired. I can do her job. I can do my job. I just don't do so well having to juggle 2 full time jobs in a 40 hour period. I don't like it. It sucks.<br /><br />...<br /><br />Last Sunday was Easter. Easter means a great deal to me as it is celebrated as the day my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ rose from the grave and ascended to sit the right hand side of the Father. For almost a year now we have been without a church home. Three years ago, due to some extenuating circumstances, we left the first church I ever called home and was a member of and followed the pastor as he/we started a small church which met in members' homes. And then last June our pastor was accepted to law school in West Virginia and he and his family moved accross the country and that was the end of our "church". As much as we miss church and weekly praising the Lord with our brothers and sisters in Christ we haven't been too focused on finding a replacement because we know that our standards are quite high and what we're looking for (very conservative and 100% biblical - something most churches thes days are definitely NOT) is very very hard to come by. But, last weekend I promised my best friend, Chelle, that I would attend Easter service at her church - mostly because she was singing and I love her dearly. So, I left the 2yo monster, Adam, at home with Beau and took Michelle and Noah with me to "church". This church is unlike any other I had ever been to and not exactly anything I ever really want to go to again. Talk about catering to the young and "hip". Oy. Loud, rock "worship" music that repeats the same lyrics over and over again. A preacher who dresses in baggy khakis with worn out brown leather shoes, a sweater vest over his "dress shirt" with the shirt tales hanging out and the top button or two undone, a tan beaded necklace tight around his neck and blonde highlighted "surfer-dude" shaggy hair - the kind of hairdo that my 8yo nephew is trying to achieve. Only my sister won't let him get the highlights. And a sermon that didn't last more than 15 minutes - one in which not one actual bible verse was cited - complete with PowerPoint slide on 2 large screens for all in the congregation to see. It all made me very uneasy and I found it very hard to relax until I finally reminded myself of Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." and at that point I was able to sit peacefully through the rest of the service and just focus my thoughts on Christ and his teachings and all that he gave and suffered just so that I could have forgiveness for my many, many sins and everlasting life. It will be a long time before I ever go back there again, IF I ever do. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that Chelle and Phil have a church home that they love and enjoy. It's just definitely not for me and my family. We much prefer the quiet conservative services of a Missionary Baptist church. Now if we can just find one that doesn't compromise on doctrine just to get people in the door and keep them in the pews.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1144959932100497962006-04-13T13:03:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.086-07:00"Now is not a good time""Please come back tomorrow..." <br /><br />That's what I hear when I walk up to someone's desk who already knew that I'm coming around, only needing 5 minutes of their time so that I can install a new version of a software program they use on a daily basis. But do they want it? Apparently not, they tell me "Now is just really not a good time, please come back tomorrow." So, I go back this morning as asked and guess what I hear again - "Can you come back later?" Puhlease! I mean, this is my job TODAY. I have today to finish these installs. Not tomorrow, not next week. My boss wants this done today. And seriously, is 5 minutes too much to ask for? Really? Freaking get up, go take a short walk around the building, go the bathroom, go get a cup of coffee, I don't care what you do just give me 5 whole freaking minutes!!!! Sheesh.<br /><br />OK, I'm done ranting at stupid users. Sometimes the tech support world isn't that great. Really. I didn't seek out this profession, it found me. Strange to say, strange to think, really, since before I started here I knew extremely little about computers. But I got a call, I went for an interview and because I am able to pick things up quickly the rest is history. Five years of history to be exact. I'm tired of it, though. I'm tired of dealing with people who don't know what they're doing or even have any care in the world to know anything about it. I want to stay home with my kids. But that is a whole other ball of wax. Staying home with the kids would mean even more work if you can believe. And often more stress. But then - it may be more work through the day but would it last long into the evenings as it does now? I wonder. Would I be able to do all the chores during the day and be able to enjoy time with my family in the evenings? I don't have that luxury now unless I neglect the house - which freaks my husband out. Man just has to have a clean house - not that he gets that often. LOL It's too much work for me to keep up with. Working 40+ hours a week to bring home a paycheck and taking care of kids, house and husband in my "off time". Ha. What the heck IS off time anyway? <br /><br />On my way to the PPD support group the other night I was thinking about what it was like before kids. That was soooo long ago! I was 20, almost 21 when I had my daughter. Life before kids was life before 20. Which really wasn't all that much life, you know? But I do remember, albeit vaguely, only having to worry about myself in the mornings before work, only having to worry about feeding myself in the evenings. If I didn't get enough sleep it's because I was doing something <em>I wanted to do </em>and I had no one but myself to blame. My weekends - I got to sleep in as long as I wanted. Stay up as late as I wanted. <strong>Do</strong> what I wanted. It was all about me. Will I ever have that again? Probably not. Would I trade my kids and what I have now to have that back? Some days I think yes, I would, but in all fairness and honesty the answer is a resounding NO. I love my kids. I love my husband. I don't love my ex-husband and believe I would have been far better off without having ever married him but what's done is done and the time spent with him definitely helped me to realize just what kind of person I <em>don't </em>want to be or be with. <br /><br />And now that thought is gone. Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to sign off and get my butt back to work. Blech.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1144824155138202402006-04-11T23:35:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.086-07:00"Group"Turns out group was good. I was the only mom there for the group I was supposed to go to but I ended up in the "after care support group" because they were the only ones there. It's all good, though, as it was just a really good experience. I was able to share what I've been going through, just how hectic my life is and how my husband has been mostly unsupportive through a lot of what I'm going through (though he wasn't opposed to me going to the group so that's good). I had few sympathetic ears and everyone was just really nice. We actually laughed and smiled and I am just so amazed at how easy it was to just open up to these strangers and share what I'm feeling and thinking. It was good. I came home feeling refreshed - something I haven't felt in a long time. I'm definitely going again next week and will for however long I feel the need. Maybe once I get through my own PPD I'll stay on to help others as well. I think that would be good. But, as I said, I must first get through my own rough patch here and learn to be a healthy person before I can even think about trying to help someone else.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1144798361832362082006-04-11T16:32:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.086-07:00The sun came out todayWell, the sun decided to come out and play a bit after all. As I look out the window here at work I actually see some blue sky and white fluffy clouds. A far cry different from what it looked like this morning. It's nice outside, I should appreciate it even though I am stuck inside sitting here at this computer. At least I can see outside. I've often been stuck in a cubicle where I had no idea if it was raining, snowing or hot as haities outside. That sucks, so I am glad I can see. I just wish my mood would change to match what it looks like outside. Bright and cheery. <br /><br />I've got this long stinking report I need to finish but just can't bring myself to work on it for more than like 3 minutes at a time. It's sad, I haven't put in a full days work in weeks. I just can't get focused, my mind, my brain is elsewhere. But where? Who the heck knows!<br /><br />Last night Noah slept very fitfully. He kept kicking his legs, waking himself up and then fussing. Drove us nuts all night long. I don't think I got more than an hour of solid sleep all night. Was up to stick the pacifier back in his mouth too many times to count. I finally gave in at 4:37am and brought him to bed and stuck him on the boob. That seemed to do the trick. He slept better after, though not solidly till after 6am but then Beau and I were up at 7am (after an hour of hitting the snooze button), rushing to get the day started and out the door. Then when I got to work this morning, got settled in, read some email then went to get my first cup of coffee I found NO ONE HAD MADE COFFEE. There is seriously something wrong when I go to get a cup at 9am and the pot's still clean and put away from the cleaning lady last night. I mean, it's not like the coffee they give us here is any good, it's a nasty brew - there's a REASON it's called Fried Nerve Endings - but it's still coffee and much needed caffiene after a restless night. So, I had to make it myself and wait. But at least I wasn't getting the last dregs from the pot which is what happens to me far too often. Why am I going on about coffee??? I don't know. My brain feels fried. My body feels limp and listless. I'm exhausted and I guess feeling like I need more coffee but don't really want any. I'm serious, this stuff is nasty, it tastes burnt. Like when they roast the beans they forget they're in the roaster and let them go over a long weekend. I don't want to work. I don't want to go home. I want to go be with my kids and enjoy them but I don't want all the work that goes with them - the cleaning and cooking dinner, the laundry, the night-time baths and bed-time routines. I'm just so tired. <br /><br />Well, 45 minutes to go before I am officially "off" and I still need to go pump before I leave so I sign off for now. But I'll be back again in the morning to share my support group experience. I guess I'm the only PPD mom who'll be there, unless someone else shows up that wasn't expected. But that means I'll get some one-on-one time with the facilitator. That might be better to start out with anyway. I have a hard time talking in groups of people - more panic attacks. <br /><br />Have a good day/evening...Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1144777923802718592006-04-11T09:21:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.087-07:00Tuesday blahs<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It's a dismal Tuesday morning. Clouds fill the sky</span> and it's drizzling outside. Not yet raining, not even really sprinkling. Just drizzling. Kind of matches my mood today, I guess. I try to be happy, I love my kids, I love my husband, I don't mind my job so much - it pays a good portion of the bills, right? So why can't I be happy? I don't know.<br /><br />Lately I've been getting these panic attacks - my chest tightens up, my heart starts racing and my mind just freaks out. There are a million things running through my head and I can't make sense of any of them. I know there are things that I seriously NEED to do. But for some reason I can't bring myself to do them. Every time I think about something important I need to do I feel a panic attack come on. What the heck is wrong with me??? And then all I want to do is quash that feeling and ignore what's causing it. I need help.<br /><br />Tonight I'm going to a PPD support group hosted by the Baby Blues Connection. Not sure what to expect - I've never participated in any kind of support group aside from the message boards I participate in online. But those are different. Not the same as sitting in a room with a bunch of women who are going through both similar and different issues than I. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.<br /><br />This morning my husband sent me a picture of Noah that he took Sunday evening, it made me tear up. Sappy old mom, I know, but hey, how can a mom *not* get sappy when she sees such a beautiful picture of her little man?<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3880/2701/1600/Noah2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3880/2701/320/Noah2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Well, I guess this is it for now. Work calls and if I don't get it done who knows what'll happen. LOL Kinda short today - for me anyhow. I'm sure I'll be more lengthy tomorrow as I recap my experience at the PPD support group.Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25821470.post-1144705089369324702006-04-10T14:42:00.000-07:002009-06-09T16:06:08.087-07:00Just call me a newbIt seems like everyone I know has a blog so I figured, why not me, too? Honestly, I have no idea if I'll share this with anyone I really know as I'm hoping this to just be an outlet for all the craziness that goes on inside my post-partum head. And sometimes I feel like I'm just that - crazy. The things that go through my head I often don't want to voice out loud for fear of no one understanding. But maybe someone out there does? Who knows.<br /><br />Today, I feel...melancholy for lack of a better word. Not really happy but not altogether unhappy, either. I've been dealing with some Post Partum Depression for about a month now. Many whom I speak with about it find it odd that it's hit me so long after my son Noah's birth (he's 4 and a half months old right now), but apparently they (my husband included) don't understand that it can hit at any time during baby's first year. <br /><br />Even with all my knowledge and understanding of depression and how it works - I've been here before, after the birth of my daughter Michelle, who is now 8 - I still can't quite wrap my whole head around it. After the birth of my first son Adam, who is now 2, I felt wonderful. Sure, I had a few days, maybe a week or so, of those "Baby Blues" but that was it. My husband, Beau, and I were the happiest we'd ever been. Our marriage had never been better. Our family was complete - we had one beautiful daughter and one beautiful son.<br /><br />But then when Adam was 15 months and I was only a week away from getting a tubal ligation (our family was complete, remember?) I got the call from the OB/GYN who was going to do the surgery telling me I was pregnant again. And my life fell apart. I didn't want another baby. WE didn't want another baby. But...not having the baby wasn't an option for me, either. I could never do that. My mom had an abortion when I was about 4 months old and to this day she still regrets it. Not for me, no thank you. We considered giving the baby up for adoption. We have some friends whom we love like family who may never be able to have children of their own (she has never carried to full term and he had testicular cancer a few years back). I prayed on it, I considered it. For 3 full weeks I thought about it and finally came to the realization that there was no way in the world I could give up MY baby. So, that was that. I was having another baby.<br /><br />Didn't mean I really enjoyed it, though. To the contrary, I didn't enjoy much of my pregnancy at all and did suffer some anti-partum depression. It wasn't an easy pregnancy. Noah was (and still is) a big boy. He caused me a lot of pain and discomfort. I started having contractions at 29 weeks which continued on a daily basis for 11 weeks until I went in to labor (FINALLY!) and he was born on his due date weighing in at 10lbs 2.8oz and 22.5" long. Yeah, he's a big boy.<br /><br />Now don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful little prince and I love him so dearly it hurts. I wouldn't trade my little man for anything in the world. But having 3 kids, some days it's more than I think I can handle. It's not really the 3 kids, if I'm going to be truly honest here, it's having 2 kids w/in 2 years. See, Adam is only 2 years and 6 days older than Noah. Most days I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I have no sanity left inside me and can't help but wonder how in the world am I going to make it through the day let alone the rest of my life? I work, full time outside the home, and full time inside the home. My only respite is the few minutes I get each night after the kids are in bed before I fall into bed completely exhausted from the day's work. It's really not that much, either, as Noah just does not like to go to sleep before 10pm. And I'm lucky when I can actually have him in bed before 10:30pm.<br /><br />I should probably cut this "short" here. I say short because I could go on and on forever. If there's one thing I'm good at it's being long-winded. I'll leave you with this thought...if I find it so difficult with 3 - how in the world do people with more children than I<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></span>handle the daily goings on???Jen Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13155467205283980932noreply@blogger.com0