Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Why Can't Sex Do THAT For Me???

Truly, it's just not fair. Just sayin' ...

My niece. My favorite niece. The oldest child of my oldest sister. She's a special girl, or rather, a special young woman. I adore her, she is truly a young woman to be proud of. This niece, whom I shall call S, is 18 (19 in November) and just graduated from high school last month. This same niece has also entered into her very first mature relationship just about 2 months ago.

S's boyfriend, J, is a sweet kid. He's 20 and absolutely adores her. Not only that but he's been good for her, she's really growing up even more. I am a very proud auntie. S waited to have sex till this boy. She was a good girl. She was 18.5 before losing her virginity and let me tell you, she did not mean to share that info with anyone, it just kind of slipped out one day.

Let me tell you about that first because it was quite comical...

You see, it was a Sunday afternoon and I was visiting with S's mom - my older sister - and one of S's other aunts - her dad's younger sister. We were all out on the back deck and talking about periods and hysterectomies and other womanly "issues". S's other aunt, G, had a hysterectomy last year due to some serious complications with her poor girl parts. Some very similar issues to those that I have as well. So, we were talking about birth control and heavy periods and such when S comes out to join in and visit with us. The topic of S's super heavy and horrible periods came up and my sister volunteers that S has been on the pill for 3 months to help with that (and apparently it has). But then my sister also made a comment about how the pill was not 100% effective (this was pointed at S) and that our own mother had gotten pregnant while on the pill. I, of course, chimed in that I had as well. This is when S blurted out, "Well, that's why I also use other protection!"


Yeah, she didn't really mean to say that. It ... just ... slipped out. And boy, howdy, did she get RED! A few minutes later J joined us out on the deck and the shade of magenta got just a little bit brighter. My sister, G and myself all being married women and mothers with at least three kids for each of us (S is the oldest of five), we had a good laugh and weren't at all upset or even embarrassed by S's untimely admission of her adult-like behavior. We just found lots and lots of humor in the way it came about. So, of course we had to clue J in on the conversation so he would understand poor S's flushed face. He, too, blushed a bit but took it good-naturedly and we all laughed it off and I soon left as I needed to get back home.

Fast forward to 2 days ago. Sunday at noon I show up at my sister's house to pick up my 11 year old daughter who had spent the night. S walks through the kitchen and it strikes me that her body has changed. She has lost a lot of weight, her waist has slimmed down and, if I am correct, she's even lost some size in her boobs (oh, that I could be so lucky!). So, being the open family that we are, I comment to my sister about the weight loss who then responds with this:

"It's all the sex! As soon as she started having sex, her tummy went flat! Why can't sex do THAT for me???"

And there you go. We are jealous of the newest addition to adulthood in our family: My 18 year old niece, S. She is a woman, full and true. And the lucky little bitch is losing weight because she's having sex.

Seriously. Not. Fair.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I Should Post Something New You Say?

Oh, I suppose it is overdue. So often I think of things I want to write about. Sitting on the bus or train to or from work I think of things. Or lying in bed, I think of things. Often, at work, while working on an issue for a user I think of something that's bugging me or that I think may be blog worthy. But then once I get to a place where I might actually have a few moments to write, I can't think of shit.

Really? Yes, it is true. Mostly, by the time I have a few moments to myself I've completely lost everything that makes me ME. When I have these moments for me it is only after working a full time job outside of the home all day, coming home to fix dinner for my brood, performing various household chores, spending time with afore mentioned brood and then putting them to bed. Once they're in bed I usually have a few other things to do and a husband nagging me to do yet more things for him. And then, usually around 11pm, I have some time for myself. I get up before 7am. So, yeah, I don't really get much time for me.

Being a full time working mom - outside the home - and the "bread winner" to boot is a tough job. A mother's job is never done whether she works outside the home or works as a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I know that the job of a SAH-Parent is never easy and is also never ending. But somehow so much more always falls on the mother even when the SAHP is the husband.

I often hear from my SAHM friends complaints about their husbands who work hard (or not) outside the home to provide for their families. Complaints that these husbands "get" to go to work and then "get" to do whatever they want every night once they're home while my friends, these SAHM's, are constantly on the go taking care of the house and the family. Well, how does that play for the moms who work and the dads who stay home? I wonder what it's like for other families out there who are in similar positions as my husband and myself.

My husband has been unemployed for going on 3 years and not by choice, mind you, but it is what it is and we make do on my income alone. In fact, we have often made do on my income alone far more than we've had 2 incomes. Mostly, I don't mind this. In fact, it wouldn't bother me at all if I knew that my poor husband was happy at home with the children. But he's not and the fact is that he just is not able to make enough to pay for daycare at this point should he go back to work. And he especially could not support us on any salary he would make getting back into the workforce after 3 years off. Again, this is NOTHING to me. I have always had a sense of need to work outside the home. It is important to me that I contribute to the household.

When my now 11yo daughter was a baby my role was reversed. My ex-husband made more then than I do now and I was a SAHM because I thought that this was what I wanted. I soon realized that I equate my worth with my ability to provide for myself and not take from someone else even if he is my husband. Having been through that situation during my first marriage I can sympathize with my current husbands frustrations and diminished selfworth - though I am sure he does not think about this.

My husband, Lord bless him, is a GOOD man. To me, he is a desirable man. He is talented in so many ways, he is witty and funny and so amazingly full of love. But for some reason he is unable to keep a job for more than a year it seems. Honestly, I don't understand it and neither does he. And at this point, after his longest stretch of unemployment, he is feeling extremely disenchanted with life in general and especially with our family. He is miserable quite frankly. He hates being home with the kids. He sees my having to work as a gift. He tells me I'm lucky that I get to go to work and doesn't understand why I am jealous of him. He also feels that he does everything in the home while I sit back and laze around like a sloth and can't ever understand when I need a break - from both he and the kids. He truly and sincerely resents me my gainful employment. I have been with my current employer for 2 years now and prior to this position I worked on the Nike WHQ Campus for 6.5 years. But for me, working has never really been anything but a must. I have to work. There is no choice in it for me and especially not now. We are dependent on my income and the benefits I receive through my employer.

How do you come to a workable solution in a situation such as this with the unemployment rate sitting at over 12% in our beautiful state of Oregon? At one time I thought for sure we could handle this arrangement but now I fear it can't hold together much longer. It's become an immense strain on our marriage and, truthfully, I have no idea how to fix it.

So, there. That's what's on my mind right now. It's 2am. I should be in bed asleep having been up for more than 19 hours and yet, here I sit, writing something I am sure my loving husband will read but am not sure how he'll react. Truth. I only write the truth.

And now, off I go...to read for a few minutes until I pass out from sheer exhaustion. Until I blog again....

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Insight into dream content?

All through my childhood and up until about a year ago or so I often dreamt of flying. But not just flying. I would jump and soar, then come down and gently bounce and soar some more. Each time I soared through the sky my flight would get longer and longer until I would finally wake up just before trying to land for good (landing was always a scary proposition in these dreams).

Well, yesterday I spent all day thinking on the dream I had on Sunday night. It was an odd one that started off in a restaurant with ... IDK who it was, just some random people that I seemed to know. I had to go to the bathroom but instead of using the restroom inside the restaurant I went outside and began to cross the parking lot to use one somewhere else. As I was crossing the parking lot someone called to me whom I apparently knew/worked with so I changed directions and went over to talk to him. He then started pulling a video camera and other equipment out of boxes and explaining to me how to use them and what my "new job" was going to be. That took a while and I never did end up going to the bathroom. Instead, once I was finished with him I went back to the restaurant to meet up with my group who'd already had their food delivered to the table. Once I was back at the table I realized I was naked. I wasn't embarrassed in any way, it actually was just an odd thing of "Where the heck did my clothes go?" I covered my chest with my arm but that was it. I searched for my clothes but it really wasn't *that* big of a deal and no one else seemed to care much. I did worry a little bit about what my new "boss" would think but it wasn't anything that mortified me in any way. It was just odd.

So, the more I thought on this dream yesterday the more perplexed I was. And then it occurred to me last night as I was prepping some steaks to fix for tonight's dinner that I have similar dreams quite often. I've been dreaming about being naked in public for a while now. But just as in Sunday night's dream my nakedness is nothing of any real concern. I am just left wondering what the heck happened to my clothes. I'm not embarrassed in any way by it though I do try to locate my clothing (unsuccessfully, mind you).

Weird, no? Any ideas on what this means? Feedback is appreciated!