Just call me a newb

It seems like everyone I know has a blog so I figured, why not me, too? Honestly, I have no idea if I'll share this with anyone I really know as I'm hoping this to just be an outlet for all the craziness that goes on inside my post-partum head. And sometimes I feel like I'm just that - crazy. The things that go through my head I often don't want to voice out loud for fear of no one understanding. But maybe someone out there does? Who knows.

Today, I feel...melancholy for lack of a better word. Not really happy but not altogether unhappy, either. I've been dealing with some Post Partum Depression for about a month now. Many whom I speak with about it find it odd that it's hit me so long after my son Noah's birth (he's 4 and a half months old right now), but apparently they (my husband included) don't understand that it can hit at any time during baby's first year.

Even with all my knowledge and understanding of depression and how it works - I've been here before, after the birth of my daughter Michelle, who is now 8 - I still can't quite wrap my whole head around it. After the birth of my first son Adam, who is now 2, I felt wonderful. Sure, I had a few days, maybe a week or so, of those "Baby Blues" but that was it. My husband, Beau, and I were the happiest we'd ever been. Our marriage had never been better. Our family was complete - we had one beautiful daughter and one beautiful son.

But then when Adam was 15 months and I was only a week away from getting a tubal ligation (our family was complete, remember?) I got the call from the OB/GYN who was going to do the surgery telling me I was pregnant again. And my life fell apart. I didn't want another baby. WE didn't want another baby. But...not having the baby wasn't an option for me, either. I could never do that. My mom had an abortion when I was about 4 months old and to this day she still regrets it. Not for me, no thank you. We considered giving the baby up for adoption. We have some friends whom we love like family who may never be able to have children of their own (she has never carried to full term and he had testicular cancer a few years back). I prayed on it, I considered it. For 3 full weeks I thought about it and finally came to the realization that there was no way in the world I could give up MY baby. So, that was that. I was having another baby.

Didn't mean I really enjoyed it, though. To the contrary, I didn't enjoy much of my pregnancy at all and did suffer some anti-partum depression. It wasn't an easy pregnancy. Noah was (and still is) a big boy. He caused me a lot of pain and discomfort. I started having contractions at 29 weeks which continued on a daily basis for 11 weeks until I went in to labor (FINALLY!) and he was born on his due date weighing in at 10lbs 2.8oz and 22.5" long. Yeah, he's a big boy.

Now don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful little prince and I love him so dearly it hurts. I wouldn't trade my little man for anything in the world. But having 3 kids, some days it's more than I think I can handle. It's not really the 3 kids, if I'm going to be truly honest here, it's having 2 kids w/in 2 years. See, Adam is only 2 years and 6 days older than Noah. Most days I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I have no sanity left inside me and can't help but wonder how in the world am I going to make it through the day let alone the rest of my life? I work, full time outside the home, and full time inside the home. My only respite is the few minutes I get each night after the kids are in bed before I fall into bed completely exhausted from the day's work. It's really not that much, either, as Noah just does not like to go to sleep before 10pm. And I'm lucky when I can actually have him in bed before 10:30pm.

I should probably cut this "short" here. I say short because I could go on and on forever. If there's one thing I'm good at it's being long-winded. I'll leave you with this thought...if I find it so difficult with 3 - how in the world do people with more children than I handle the daily goings on???