The sun came out today

Well, the sun decided to come out and play a bit after all. As I look out the window here at work I actually see some blue sky and white fluffy clouds. A far cry different from what it looked like this morning. It's nice outside, I should appreciate it even though I am stuck inside sitting here at this computer. At least I can see outside. I've often been stuck in a cubicle where I had no idea if it was raining, snowing or hot as haities outside. That sucks, so I am glad I can see. I just wish my mood would change to match what it looks like outside. Bright and cheery.

I've got this long stinking report I need to finish but just can't bring myself to work on it for more than like 3 minutes at a time. It's sad, I haven't put in a full days work in weeks. I just can't get focused, my mind, my brain is elsewhere. But where? Who the heck knows!

Last night Noah slept very fitfully. He kept kicking his legs, waking himself up and then fussing. Drove us nuts all night long. I don't think I got more than an hour of solid sleep all night. Was up to stick the pacifier back in his mouth too many times to count. I finally gave in at 4:37am and brought him to bed and stuck him on the boob. That seemed to do the trick. He slept better after, though not solidly till after 6am but then Beau and I were up at 7am (after an hour of hitting the snooze button), rushing to get the day started and out the door. Then when I got to work this morning, got settled in, read some email then went to get my first cup of coffee I found NO ONE HAD MADE COFFEE. There is seriously something wrong when I go to get a cup at 9am and the pot's still clean and put away from the cleaning lady last night. I mean, it's not like the coffee they give us here is any good, it's a nasty brew - there's a REASON it's called Fried Nerve Endings - but it's still coffee and much needed caffiene after a restless night. So, I had to make it myself and wait. But at least I wasn't getting the last dregs from the pot which is what happens to me far too often. Why am I going on about coffee??? I don't know. My brain feels fried. My body feels limp and listless. I'm exhausted and I guess feeling like I need more coffee but don't really want any. I'm serious, this stuff is nasty, it tastes burnt. Like when they roast the beans they forget they're in the roaster and let them go over a long weekend. I don't want to work. I don't want to go home. I want to go be with my kids and enjoy them but I don't want all the work that goes with them - the cleaning and cooking dinner, the laundry, the night-time baths and bed-time routines. I'm just so tired.

Well, 45 minutes to go before I am officially "off" and I still need to go pump before I leave so I sign off for now. But I'll be back again in the morning to share my support group experience. I guess I'm the only PPD mom who'll be there, unless someone else shows up that wasn't expected. But that means I'll get some one-on-one time with the facilitator. That might be better to start out with anyway. I have a hard time talking in groups of people - more panic attacks.

Have a good day/evening...