My Head Just Might Explode

I don't  know. Maybe.

So much shit I need to do. Too little time.

Sound familiar? Yeah, tell me about it! I swear, there's just too much! And too much to think about. I can't keep a straight thought most of the time anymore and that right there is enough to make me think my head really just might explode at some point in the very near future.

Work has been weird for the past month or so. I work nights. 5:30pm to 2am and most of the time I don't mind it. Sadly, for about a month there I had very little to do. Sure, sometimes it's nice to get paid to do practically nothing but I'm just not the kind of person who can handle having nothing to do for very long. I have to have work to do. My mind absolutely cannot wrap itself around being paid for doing nothing. It drives me insane. Plus, I really do enjoy being busy. I don't handle having nothing but time on my hands very well. The other problem is, I don't handle having too much to do very well either. And finding a happy medium seems to be impossible. It's either feast or famine and never the twain shall meet!

The beginning of last week at work I was bored to tears. Couldn't figure out what to do with my "free" time. It was like with nothing to do my mind just went blank and, really, there are only so many Facebook games one person can handle. Well, that this person can handle anyway. And then right about Wednesday night I believe, all hell broke loose and I had more work than I knew what to do with. The start of this week is no different. No. Wait. Let me rephrase that: There's even more work this week! Yes, I love being busy. However, I don't love being so busy that I don't have the time to even make lasting mental lists for the things I need to do when I get home or get up in the morning.


Work is only part of this whole equation, though. This past weekend felt like a brief nanosecond in time. Honestly, it was as if I went to bed after work early Saturday morning and woke up at noon on Monday. Okay, so maybe not that fast but you get the idea, right? It was a very busy weekend! Berry picking on Saturday with the kids. I made a terrible dinner (yes, I am an excellent cook but even sometimes I can screw up steak!) and then began processing berries after the boys were in bed. Sunday was Father's day so, of course, it was all about the hubby. Up super early (for me - remember, I work nights) to make breakfast for the kids and then make an even more special breakfast for my husband while sitting on the boys to finish their card for Daddy. Fortunately, Michelle had stayed up Saturday night to make cards for both Beau and her dad - really nice cards, too! 





Gahh, well, let's just say that Sunday flew by, too! As did Monday. Processing berries and making jam and canning said jam takes time. A lot of time, actually. Especially when you've got a picky husband who doesn't like raspberry seeds. Come Tuesday, we each awoke to a text from Beau's best friend saying "Pool party!" Finally, summer is thinking about making an appearance in Oregon. Just warm enough for some poolside fun! So, of course, forget everything else I might need to do and we head off with the kids to go play in the pool at John's apartment complex. The kids had a blast and we actually got some good exercise in. Plus, Momma got some SUN! It's kind of nice seeing more than just super pasty pale skin when I look in the mirror. Yes, I know, sun = BAD. But, you know what? I love the sun and I needed a very healthy dose of Vitamin D. I've been lacking in that particular vitamin and the supplements I got from Trader Joe's give me nasty burps. Better to get it fresh from the source anyway. 

Blah. See what I mean? I'm barely keeping a coherent thought here. My brain just races from one thought to the next, barely making any understandable connections. I have bills to pay. I have a party on Saturday that I'm supposed to be hosting and I haven't sent out any invites! Oi. And, really, I just need some sleep. I'm exhausted. Pretty sure my iron levels are low, too. Been taking another supplement for that and, again, more nasty burps. Doesn't seem to be helping, either.

I feel like my brain either goes 100MPH or it just stops dead. There's no in between. Nothing that will help me just get what I need done. Right now, I'm in at that 100MPH mode and I can't shut it down without some help. Help from my tasty friend: Beer. Sadly, beer tends to shut it down completely. Hey, at least it helps me sleep!

Please forgive me if there are typos, run on sentences, short sentences and incoherent thoughts. This is just the way my brain has been lately, and quite frankly, I have no time to proofread before publishing this post right now. There only about 5 things I need to go do RIGHT NOW.

Part 1: I Suck At Being A Mom

It's true. I will deny it no longer. I suck at this whole motherhood thing. And it is heartbreaking to admit. But I figure that admitting and accepting failure is the first step to success, right? So, here I go. Forgive me in advance if this gets long as I am quite sure that it will, what with all the crap floating around in my head right now.

Before I begin to detail all of my terrible not-so-motherly transgressions I want to first explain that I am not trying to steal an idea from other "Mommy Bloggers" out there. I am clearly not one of them, though I do follow many of them. One in particular comes to mind whenever I am faced with the fact that I am indeed a bad mom. She goes by @herbadmother on Twitter and you can find her blog at http://www.HerBadMother.com. Her name is in fact Catherine and her tagline is "Bad is the new good."  I have often tried to console myself with this thought, however, it just doesn't work. So, again, I want to say that I am in no way trying to capitalize on this idea that it's OK to be a "Bad Mom". I am also not suggesting that Catherine is a bad mom, from what I read in her blog and her tweets she is a very nurturing and loving mother. I just need to get this off my chest, K?

Now, let's see, where do I begin? I'll start at just about 25 minutes ago and work my way back. How about that?

Alright, about a half hour ago I kissed my husband goodnight and headed up to bed. I have a massive sinus headache and had planned to take some meds then crawl into bed and hopefully sleep off this pounding in my head. Sadly, this did not happen exactly as planned. I got into my room and was just about to start undressing when I hear noise coming from the kids' room. It sounds like the boys are playing and/or fighting. This ticks me off royally because they were tucked into bed an hour and a half before. There should be absolutely no noise coming from down the hall. At all.

Dismayed, I heaved a rather large sigh and walked myself down the hall. I burst into the room (surprise is the best weapon a parent has in these situations, yes?), turned the light on and yelled something about their having been up here for an hour and a half ... My tirade didn't last long. In fact, I'm not sure I even finished the thought because I immediately noticed that Noah is asleep (he lifted his head briefly then went back to sleep) and Adam is doing his weird half-awake freak out - this is semi normal as he has suffered from night terrors since he was a toddler.

Of course, I immediately went to him to try to wake him up and figure out what was wrong. He was shivering despite jammies and blankets. He was also acting like he needed to go pee. So, I pick up my 6yo little boy who clings to me as I take him to the bathroom. It took a bit of work but I finally get him seated on the toilet where he does his business though not without lots of shivering, crying and not really being able to communicate with me. He's got a little bit of diarrhea going on - same thing his father, myself and younger brother have had the pleasure (can you taste the sarcasm?) of enjoying over the past few days.

And here is where my most recent Bad Mom moment comes in.

My first thought is this: Dang it. I'm going to have to keep him home from school tomorrow. I can't deal with both of them all day. Alone. Ugh!!!


Yup. I suck that much. Here my child isn't even fully awake. He's obviously not feeling good - tummy ache, shivers, diarrhea, etc - and my thought is that I just can't handle a full day with my monstrous children all by myself tomorrow. And there I go again. I called them monstrous when in all actuality they're just normal little boys. I immediately berated myself and returned my focus to my poor little man.

Got him back to bed, snuggled for a minute, got him comfortable and within moments he was sound asleep again. And then I was back to hating myself for being such a worthless mother. As I left his room and headed back to my own I was inspired to start writing again. You see, I often lose my voice in the face of stress and I've had more than my fair share over the past 6 months. I decided that I needed to begin confessing all of my horrific "achievements" (ha ha) as a mom recently. In fact, I had intended on confessing to much more tonight. However, my face is still on fire. The light from my laptop screen is causing sharp stabbing pain behind my eyes and I really do just want to sleep right now.

But tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow shall reveal more.