Saturday, August 01, 2009

Do You Ever Just Feel Rotten?

I don't mean physically. We all get sick every so often and usually the best word to describe that feeling is "rotten". However, that is not at all where I'm going with this. It's more a mental thing.

So, yeah, I've been feeling pretty damned rotten for the past week. I've even gone so far as to explore my use of the *F* word. You know which one I'm talking about: FUCK. Not on Twitter, mind you. In an effort to appease my husband I try to keep the cursing to a bare minimum on there. But Facebook is a different story. He's not on FB and probably never will be. Plus, pretty much everyone I chat with on FB is well aware of my fondness for this word. So, in hopes to help my mood and see if it truly is as therapeutic as some experts say I started a few "Fuck" rants on FB this week.

Wait! Stop right there! Before I go on I feel I should qualify something. Many of my friends and family who do read my blog already or who may in the future read this blog know this one basic thing about me: I am indeed a Christian. Baptist, to be exact. I love the Lord. I have been Saved since I was 12 or 13 (I remember the moment, just not the exact year). I am comfortable with my salvation and my standing with God. Yes, such language as is described above is not considered very Christian like and is in fact often considered hypocritical. However, I just want to point out this one little fact: We Are ALL OF US Sinners. There is not one person on this earth who can claim to not be a Sinner. Some of us are just more at peace with their "Sinner" side. I happen to be one of them. Again, I love the Lord and I confess Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I know where I am going after this life here on earth is over. I also know that I will have to answer to God for all of my sins I have willingly, and unwillingly, committed during my life time. But, I am who I am and I won't change that for anyone. So, if you think me a hypocrite and decide you can have no respect for someone who confesses Salvation while also accepting their Sinner status, well then you'd better just leave right now. Click that little red X in the upper right hand corner of your browser and never come back.

OK, now that I have the attention of those who truly enjoy my witty writing, I shall continue...

Where was I? Oh, yes, the "Fuck" rants on Facebook this week. Never before in my experience on FB (about a year now) have I received so many approving responses to my status updates. I'll admit it, I'm a bit of an attention whore. I do so enjoy having the focus on me at times. Not all the time, mind you, as I do have some anti-social tendencies and when those tendencies take hold of me I am mostly absent from the internet and draw into myself, away from my family and friends.

"Ha!" you say? "Jen? Antisocial? No way!" you're thinking? (Someone actually said something to that effect to me just last night.) But, yes, it is indeed true! In my teens and early 20's I had a very hard time assimilating into crowds. I hated parties with a passion and always felt out of place no matter who was there. I have worked very, very hard over the last 14 years to banish most of those issues and have learned to become a far more social person. I still don't have many very close friends and have lost quite a few over the years, but I now have also learned to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am - not for whom they think I should be.

Ahhhh, but I digress. I was talking about feeling rotten, wasn't I? Yes, indeed, I have been in a mostly rotten mood this week. Not entirely sure as to the full reason for this mood, either. But, the "Fuck" rants on Facebook were a sort of experiment. As I mentioned before, I wanted to see just how therapeutic it was and as much fun as I had reading through the witty and often downright hilarious comments, I found that it truly didn't help much. Now, I won't lie and say that I don't enjoy flying the F bomb every so often because I most certainly do. There are times when no other word or expletive will do. Nothing says it better than "Fuck!!!" when something has you just so darned frustrated that you can't think of anything else to say.

Well, I guess Experiment: Fuck was a complete failure. Or maybe it was a success? I guess that all depends on the way you look at it. Either way, the rotten feeling has yet to leave me. I have good moments, sure, but mostly I can't shake this BLECH mental feeling this week. Not only that but because of this horrid feeling of ultimate rottenness I've been a bitch to my family. I don't mean to be. In fact, I try very hard to stay more relaxed around the family - kids especially. Unfortunately, I have not at all been successful in that endeavor this week.

There is some hope on the horizon, though. My good friend Ariel is getting married next weekend. I am very excited and for many good reasons. I love my friend and am beyond pleased to see her so happy and in love after her last relationship that lasted 10 years and I'm not entirely sure any of them were truly good ones. The man she is marrying is awesome and he treats her like she's a queen - exactly what she deserves! Plus, I love weddings! Oh, and on top of all that my husband and I are photographing the wedding as our gift to them. I am also making her wedding day jewelry. So, with any luck the preparations over the next week for the wedding will be enough to lighten my heart and my mind if not the anticipation of finally getting to meet my friend Tori and her husband Wayne IN PERSON. Tori Wayne will be arriving Friday evening and staying with us so that they can be there for the wedding, too. This will actually be everyone's first time meeting Tori in person. We've known her through the internet for 2.5 years now and have often talked on the phone but have yet to finally meet up (even though she lives less than 4 hours away). do I end this now? Hahaha! I guess I'll end this by reiterating that having a "Fuck" fest on Facebook while feeling mentally rotten just doesn't cut it. However, I am pretty sure that the anticipation of a happy event and enjoying time friends is just what the doctor ordered.

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